Educating Hercules

Thanks everyone!

2006-04-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

You guys aren't making this easy for me!

I appreciate your compliments and well-wishes, and I know I'm deviating from the plan already by posting this, but I wanted to make my gratitude more visible than a comment. You guys are wonderful.

Anonymous particularly moved me, because my hope all along was that I might reach out to another parent with similar struggles.

It's not easy for me to quit because I really love doing this. I'm constantly composing blog posts in my head. I have tons of stuff I want to write about! But time - that cursed, finite refugee - always escapes me. There have been many amusing, brilliant, and informative posts left unwritten because I never found the time. There were just as many tasks and activities neglected because I stole some time to blog instead.

I wavered the longest over whether I should just cut back on posting to maybe just a monthly update or something, but I finally talked myself out of it. I know myself too well, and as long as this site still has a pulse I will post compulsively, good intentions be damned. And I really do need to stop, because I'm drowning in thingstodo that just aren't getting done. I can't have it all, it seems. Because there's no money in blogging, ya know? And money is evil, but life's tough without it.

I once wrote (in a letter to a stranger) that if I'm ever rich, it will be time that is stuffed in my pockets and under my mattress. I dream of having whole hours, days even, to call my own. I marvel at how people can possibly suffer from boredom in a world spiralling through infinity. It's a fool's affliction, boredom.

Speaking of boredom, next week is TV Turnoff Week. Kill your TV. May it stay dead forever. It's the ruin of our culture. If there's one thing I hope to instill in my children, it's that television rots your soul. Please, turn it off. I'm begging you.

But I digress, as is my habit. I'm off to build my little internet empire. I'm not going to delete this blog, because it's eternally free. So you can visit anytime you like and wax nostalgic over young Hercules. And please do drop in on my flickr photostream, particularly my Rio set, for the latest snapshots.

Thanks for reading! I will miss you!

Fond Farewell

2006-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

After much resistance, indecision, and procrastination, I have finally decided that it is time for me to abandon this blog. As much as I enjoy sharing my tales of Hercules with my little audience, it's time for me to focus my energies elsewhere.

It's just that time is my most scarce resource, and I've been re-examining how I use my time lately and I've been forced to admit that blogging simply isn't a productive use of my precious time. Blogging is not the sort of writing that I aspire to produce. It doesn't propel me closer to any of my goals. It's a handy way to update my friends and family of Herc's latest antics, indeed, but it's making me lazy when it comes to making real live phone calls and that's no good.

I also realized that a large part of blogging involves participation in a community. Bloggers are expected to start dialogues and converse with other bloggers who share your interests. So blogging isn't just about writing blog posts - you also have to read other blogs and comment on other people's posts, and hopefully they will reciprocate. At least that's what you do if you want your audience to expand beyond your friends and family. That's the part I've had the hardest time with. For a while I struggled with my desire to feel included. I courted mommy bloggers, and then feminist bloggers, but I really didn't expand my audience much in either community. To be fair, my efforts weren't very diligent because DAMN there are a bazillion blogs out there and that's a lot of reading and commenting! Lately I've started to feel like I've become caught up in a juvenile popularity contest and that's not at all the sort of dynamic I want to waste my energy on. The idea of a blogging community sounds nice, but in MY reality it has seemed more like a big echo chamber and I'm basically uninspired by it. Which in no way is intended to diminish other bloggers out there. This is just my personal perception.

I want to spend more time getting involved locally in my community. I want a community that involves personal interaction, and it's something I seriously need to work at and not only is blogging not helping me to achieve that, it's actually impeding me. So bon voyage, blogosphere. I hardly knew ye!

I am, however, keeping my photoblog. That is quicker, simpler, and frankly more fun. I think it has a lot do with the fact that photography has become my substitute for writing. Writing is a solitary, reclusive activity and it's probably not something I'm going to be able to pursue seriously until Hercules is grown and my life has achieved the balance I strive for. Photography, however, is portable and even social. My camera goes with me everywhere, and it's just as fun snapping kid pics as shooting street photography or still lifes(lives?). I really hope to do more portraiture, which goes hand in hand with my desire to overcome my shy nature and connect with people I don't know. So yes, haphazardous stays. And my flickr photostream will surely feature all my favorite Hercules shots as well. Maybe someday the flickr fairy will buy me a pro account, even!

So thanks to my faithful readers out there, you've all been wonderfully supportive of Hercules and I throughout our trials and tribulations. I really have enjoyed blogging, which is why it's taken me so long to make this decision. And I've truly enjoyed reading other blogs, too. I've learned a thing or two from other women out there and I hope they keep up the great work.

Hasta luego!

Renee May

Brouhaha

2006-04-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the disappearing act, it's just that work's been busy lately and blogging got put on the backburner. Hercules had an eventful week, too - two fights which ended with an in-school suspension yesterday.

Both fights started the same - it was bathroom time for the whole class and Herc's nemesis, we'll call him Perseus, thought it was top sport to leap out from behind the door just as Hercules was passing by and scare the crap out of him. Let it be known that young Hercules has no tolerance for such games and he promptly slapped/kicked (depending on which incident you're referring to) Perseus to show him just how he felt about it. Young Perseus, being of the same temperment, returned the gesture and before you could say "don't even think about it" it was an all-out brawl.

Apparently, Perseus thought the first fight was so much fun that he played the same trick two days later (they had a sub both days, incidentally, which was a key factor as well). Or maybe he thought that Hercules wouldn't be so rash the second time around and temper his reaction but he was badly mistaken. In fact, the second fight ended with the two of them trying to shove each other into one of the sinks.

Clearly our young warrior needs to get a sense of humor. The irony is, of course, that Hercules loves to scare the crap of passersby in much the same manner. This is not the only example of his hypocrisy. Just last weekend he was having a grand ol' time taunting his friends and stepbrothers with one of those dumb songs that involve marriage and baby carriages. But when the taunts were turned back on him, woe to the songsters! I spotted him just in time with a fistful of sticks and stones (ha!) ready to hurl at the offending parties. Good grief!

So we've been having a lot of discussions about better ways to handle these situations and I'm sure we're not done with it. Because Hercules has always been great at regurgitating the right answers, proper procedures, and other mantras of social norms. But in the heat of the moment all his well-rehearsed lines are abandoned in favor of action.

This week I've learned that meds are obviously not fool-proof. But that's okay, because I've always been relieved that the meds haven't deprogrammed Hercules and turned him into some unrecognizable robot child.

The other good news is that while emailing the principal and the vice principal concerning these incidents, they both were very kind and expressed a lot of appreciation for Hercules' progress overall, despite these minor setbacks. The principal in particular had a lot of nice things to say about him, and that's exactly what parents like me need to hear. Yes, your son had a hard day today but that doesn't make him a hopeless case or mean that he's destined for a life of crime. This may seem obvious to some people but anyone whose kid ever got pinned as a Problem Child knows exactly what I'm talking about, because some people really know how to make you feel like shit, when you're already feeling pretty damn shitty in the first place. So I'm thankful for even the smallest kindness at times like these.

And yeah, I know I'm supposed to write about my neighborhood some more and I will, but I still need to organize my thoughts on that one. And then find the time to write it all down - that's the catch, see. Maybe if Hercules can stay out of trouble for a few days, I'll have something for you next week.

Maybe;)

My Neighborhood - Part 1

2006-03-28T13:26:00.000-08:00

This is the first of many attempts on my part to flesh out my thoughts on my neighborhood and my place in it, and how to create a community that benefits everyone in it. Please feel free to point out my erroneous assumptions, biases, and character flaws.

I live in a low-income neighborhood. In this smallish college town, a low-income neighborhood is characterized by homes that are not owner-occupied but rentals, and furthermore are rented mostly to Section 8 tenants as opposed to college students. There are some other white people in my neighborhood (my next door neighbors are white) but none of them have children living at home. As far as I can tell, my children are the only white kids in the neighborhood. However, Hercules isn't exactly white, since he's half Hispanic (my stepkids are white as white can be), but since he's been raised around white people and pretty much removed from Hispanic culture (he's never seen his biological father), he's pretty white for a brown kid.

There is another boy of mixed race that used to come around fairly often. His mom is white and his father is black, but the father is in jail in another state(for pointing a gun at his mother's head - an announcement that created an awkward silence in our house). She's single but she has a black boyfriend. I met her at a school function and we talked for a while about the neighborhood and certain kids. That was last year sometime. Since then, I've had some problems with her son and he doesn't come around much anymore. But he's also much older than Hercules and I prefer that he spends time with kids closer to his age, in hopes that they might be less likely to pressure him into activities I don't approve of. I haven't approached that boy's mother regarding any of the problems I've had with him, just because I know she has her hands full already (she also has a 2-year old boy) and she gets a lot of bad reports from school. I know just what that's like and it really doesn't help to have one more person come around to tell you how rude and disrespectful your child is, can't you do something with that boy?

Drugs are also prevalent in my neighborhood. Not so much on my block, but the next block over has a lot of visible dealers that hang around. One man approached me in a car one day and offered me some ice. Hercules was standing right behind me. He was middle-aged and driving a nice car (which means: newer and nicer than mine) with a rosary hanging from the mirror. I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say.

My neighborhood is about one mile from downtown and just a few blocks away from at least two public housing projects, as well as the interstate - prime real estate for poor folks like me. We bought our house in 2004, and it's the first home I ever owned. I work near downtown on campus, and it was very important to me to be able to walk to work every day. That way I don't have to pay for parking ($18/mo they would take out of my paycheck) or gas, so it saves me money, it's good for the environment, provides daily exercise and lots of photo opportunities. It's not much of a house but the price was right. I'm afraid it was a short-sighted purchase, though, because we're already busting at the seams. Three bedrooms and 6 kids makes things pretty cozy. And I'll never buy another house without a basement. But I digress . . .

Both the houses on either side of me are owner occupied, as is the one across the street. The rest are mostly rentals. My neighbors to the west are an older white couple. They're sweet but a bit eccentric. At least, that's my judgment based on the three wooden crosses lit with track lighting in the front yard. But I'll give her credit - she's been very kind and generous to our family, having given us some furniture and a couple of really cool vintage bicycles. However, she's also the person most likely to call the cops on someone in the neighborhood and she has been known to alienate some people because of it. I've also learned that she and her husband are both very involved in various volunteer efforts to help the poor. They have a strong service ethic and I respect that aspect of their religion very much.

My other next door neighbor is a black lesbian single mother of two teenage kids, a girl and a boy. I believe her son just started college recently and is a very successful football player. She and my other next door neighbor are friends. She interests me quite a bit, but she's not very approachable. I've been told by a couple of people that she takes a long time to warm up to people, so I've tried not to take her cold shoulder personally or force myself on her. But judging by her bumper stickers, she and I have common political beliefs and I hope to get to know her better. I sometimes wonder if maybe she's like me in that she really doesn't know how to approach people she doesn't know, so she waits for people to come to her. I'm very much that way, and if she is too then we, or at least I, may have to work at it if we're going to become friends. This is an area I'd like to work on in myself. It is probably my biggest handicap when it comes to becoming involved in the local community and my neighborhood in particular.

The couple across the street from us who also own their home are black, but their children are all grown. They have at least one daughter with children who visits frequently. Their grandchildren are there often on weekends and Hercules has tried several times to befriend them, but he's been discouraged. This doesn't bother me because I think I understand their reasons (though I am assuming a lot). For one, their kids are younger and smaller than Hercules and they obviously prefer that their kids remain in their yard (which is fenced in), a policy I'm very sympathetic to. And since the kids don't leave the yard, Hercules would have to play with them over there, and they don't seem too keen on that idea, either, and frankly I can't blame them. I suspect that many of my neighbors are more than a little wary of my wild pack of unruly boys. I know for a fact that the white lady next door is because she often tells me how she's never been around boy children before and although their antics shock and terrify her, she's being educated. It took her a long time to get used to the fact that Hercules' favorite spot is high up in the tree out front. She's convinced he's going to meet his death on the sidewalk below.

So that's a pretty basic overview of my neighborhood. Next time I'll talk more about the kids that come around, and some that I don't want to come around, and my interactions with them. Stay tuned.

Updates

2006-03-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

I've just updated my two posts that I provide in the sidebar as the About this Blog and About Me and Hercules links. It needed to be done to reflect current events in our life.

Nana and Papa have arrived!

2006-03-27T11:03:00.000-08:00

Hurray! My mom and stepdad have left FL for good and they'll be staying with us until they find a house and a job and all that good stuff. Hercules is ecstatic to have his Papa around, to be sure. And I'm pretty psyched myself, because you don't really appreciate the value of family until you're a parent and 1200 miles away from your family support network. When I was single and childless, I didn't think twice about moving across the country and seeing my family (maybe) once a year. But after Hercules came along, that changed dramatically. Grandparents rock!

Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't be where I am today without their support. Nana and Papa took me in when I was pregnant, and Hercules was born in the middle of their living room. We lived there for the first two years of his life, until I was ready to go back to college and finish my degree. Thanks to Nana, Hercules wasn't in daycare until then, either, which is a luxury few single moms can relate to. Bless them both.

These are things I think about when I consider the topic of reproductive choice. Some people applaud my decision to keep my baby. Some members of my mother's family criticized her for taking me in, claiming I should have been left to deal with the consequences on my own, since I couldn't keep my legs shut. How's that for pro-life?

But my mom, bless her, has been down that road. She was a pregnant unwed mother once, and her family ostracized her. They forced her to give up the baby for adoption against her will. And after the baby was born and she returned home, no one ever spoke of it. Not a word. I can only imagine how she suffered then.

And I know that if my family had turned their backs on me, or if I didn't have a family to take me in when I was pregnant, I would not have kept my baby. I don't like abortion (does anyone?), but that wouldn't have stopped me from having one in my situation.

Normally I don't like to raise this topic around my family, because I know how they feel and they know how I feel and we agree to disagree, out of mutual respect and love for each other. I gave up trying to change their minds when my idealism still had the sheen of youth on it. But lately this issue has risen to the forefront in national politics and frankly the whole situation is depressing. I understand why people don't like abortion, I do. What I can't understand is how those people can deny the fact the making abortion illegal doesn't end abortion. It never did. It only takes away safe abortions. Women will still have abortions, but they will risk their lives to do so. That doesn't have to happen.

*Sigh* I'm having a hard time containing my diatribes lately. I've just about convinced myself to start a new blog. I find myself self-censoring too much because I know my family reads this and I don't want to alienate them. And yet I can't pretend that these things don't matter to me. This is who I am. Thankfully, I know they'll love me no matter what. But I have this terrible aversion to hurting people's feelings, which makes me a very poor radical mama. Actually, I wouldn't mind hurting most any conservatives' feelings, except when those people happen to be people I know and love and care about very much. So there it is.

I started this post with the intention of welcoming my mom and stepdad to my home, and somehow derailed onto abortion. That's what happens when I don't find time to blog enough. Multiple topics get thrown together in messy non sequitors. So, in order to be consistently erratic and nonsensical, here's a photo of Hercules getting in touch with his manhood this weekend, which I found rather endearing. He was so earnest!

Scattered thoughts

2006-03-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy week! Hercules has been on his best behavior at school lately. He had a field trip on Wednesday and returned with all-5's on his PRIDE report once again. This is a major testament to the wonders of medication. Just a few months ago I was required to accompany him on any field trips or he wasn't allowed to participate. Now he is not only allowed to go unchaperoned, he is earning rave reviews for behavior! GO HERCULES!

However, I do want to make one thing clear - although Hercules needed medication to achieve this, I don't think the medication deserves all the credit for this breakthrough. Because what the medication is showing everyone is that Hercules is and has always been a wonderful, sweet, enjoyable and loveable little boy. It's just that now he's able to suppress his most base impulses and let his best efforts shine forth. I always knew he had it in him, I just didn't know how to help him. I can't stop raving about how ecstatic I am now that we have found that help.

Yesterday, however, I kept Hercules home from school because he'd been up the night before puking his guts out, poor kid. What a mess. Ugh. That was NOT fun. So we both took the day off and Herc slept until 7:30. I'm pretty sure that's a record for him! I decided to skip his meds that day, since I wasn't sure he'd be able to keep anything down (which turned out to be good thinking) and besides, Hercules has always been very docile, cuddly, and subdued when he's sick. There's really no need for the meds, so we skipped it. And the day went very well. He was still throwing up that morning, but after that his food stayed down and he gained momentum throughout the day.

We had an unexpected guest for dinner last night, too. Some new kids have moved into the neighborhood, two boy cousins age 8 and 5 and they've been coming around quite a bit. They're polite and cooperative and I enjoy them a lot. Last night the younger one, D, knocked on our door and told me no one was home at his house and asked if he could come in. I questioned him a little, trying to figure out the situation. Apparently he had been at the Optimist Club around the corner and when he returned, his house was locked and no one was there. So I wrote a note with our address on it, letting his mom know where he was when she got home, and had him stick to his front door (or whichever door they use to get in the house). He spent the rest of the evening with us and seemed to enjoy the chili quite a bit (I didn't tell him it had tofu in it;).

He joined Rio and I for storytime (we just started Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) and then it was bedtime for Rio. Once I got Rio tucked in, I had D check if his mom was home yet. He looked down the street and saw her car in the driveway and went home happy.

I wonder if she saw my note? I wish she would have come to get him when she got home, but she didn't. These things trouble me. I've been struggling a lot lately with the dynamics in my neighborhood and it's forcing me to take a hard look at my feelings on race and class and socioeconomics and the like. Mostly I want to DO something but I have no idea where to begin. My attempts at befriending certain moms have failed, and I can't help but wonder if they reject me because I'm white? Because they don't perceive me as a peer? Which is not to say that they perceive me as "above" them or "below" them, but just different and so perhaps they don't feel like we can relate to each other. I have to admit I have the same doubts, but I want to try. But when I am rejected, I wonder if I'm offending them by even trying?

I hate not doing something because I'm afraid of offending someone, when my intentions are good. I really want to bridge this divide.

Meanwhile, I just keep on doing what I do - welcoming their kids into my house as much as possible. Since we keep early hours during the week, they don't come around much on school nights. But on weekends when Pa's kids are with us, it's not unusual for us to have 10 or 11 kids at our house, especially when the weather's nice. As my next door neighbor says, they swarm to my house like bees to a honeypot!

I really want to flesh out more of my thoughts on my neighborhood, but I really haven't had the time to do so and I'm not sure I'm going to find it anytime soon. I've also been seriously considering retiring this blog and starting a new one. I feel confined to mommy topics by this one, and there's a lot more I'd like to write about. There's always lots of things I WANT to write about, but never enough time. Which makes me think that starting a new blog is a very unrealistic idea. We'll see. My indecision will likely stall me for a few more weeks, if not longer:) Stay tuned!

Our leprechaun is famous!

2006-03-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

He's in the newspaper!

Hooray for Hercules!

2006-03-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

He passed his belt test in Tae Kwon Do yesterday with flying colors! So he has now officially earned his yellow belt. That means he's moved up two belt ranks in exactly one year. I think that's great progress!

Belt testing is always an interesting experience. Hercules was well-prepared but visibly nervous that morning. But he did great when his turn came around. His instructors praised his pattern and that gave him a real boost. At the end when it was time for breaking (as in the breaking of wood), that's when Hercules really had his chance to shine. Even though they never actually practice breaking in his class (because the younger kids aren't required to pass this part of the test), everyone gets a chance to try it during the test. Everyone ahead of Hercules had a hard time with their break, and a couple of kids weren't able to do it. Keep in mind that they were older but also of a higher belt rank, so the kick they were expected to use for their break was a difficult one. Anyway, when it came around to Hercules' turn, he got up to do a sidekick. As he was setting up his position for the kick, the instructor came around from the judges' table and asked Herc to face the class so they could all see his form - which was perfect. Then the instructor said, "Watch, he'll get it on the first try." And SNAP! He did!

I tried to get a photo but Hercules was too fast and it was all over before I could even click the shutter.

He also made me very proud during the step-sparring portion of the test. For this part, two students face off for a specific series of kicks and punches which are supposed to demonstrate form and control - no contact or force. Hercules had practiced this a lot in class and did a great job. In class his sparring partner is a girl that's older and taller than he is, but during the test he was paired with some younger and smaller boys that had the same belt rank. They're also in a different class for younger kids (Herc's old class) and I don't think they had practiced as much. So when they messed up, Hercules would very patiently correct their form or show them the proper sequence. I found that very endearing:)

Congratulations to Hercules the Yellow Belt!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2006-03-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

Leprechaun

We found a leprechaun! How about you?

A little irreverance

2006-03-14T06:11:00.000-08:00

I was just wondering how Pat Robertson might explain the recent devastation wrought by the record number of tornadoes in the Midwest this past weekend. I'd like to ask Pat about this phenomenon, since he seems to know what God is thinking at all times. And if Katrina was God's punishment for abortion and other heathen activity, then what about these tornadoes? These storms hit rural Missouri the hardest, and rural Missouri is about as right-wing as you can get.

Pray tell, Pat. What did rural Missourians do to piss off God? God's got some explaining to do, Pat! He's looking rather inconsistent these days and I think it's about time you cleared this up. God can't go around smiting nice white Christian ladies without a good reason. What gives, Pat?

DISCLAIMER: I personally do not subscribe to Pat Robertson's worldview, and I do not think that the tornado victims deserved to die for any reason. Nor do I believe, for that matter, that any natural disaster is an act of God's vengeance.

Dodging Hailstones

2006-03-12T18:28:00.000-08:00

Big Hail

We had some excitement this weekend with some extreme weather. Here's one of our neighbor friends exhibiting a sample of one of the bigger chunks of hail from yesterday.

Today's storm dropped some even bigger hail, and we had more excitement when the tornado sirens went off. Twice. Hercules was really scared, but he handled it pretty well. At the time Pa's bandmates were at the house for a recording session. When the first siren went off we all decided to move the party to another house with a basement. Hercules was not happy about leaving the dogs behind, but since there were dogs at our friend's house, we thought it would be unwise to bring them.

Anyway, we rode out the storm with our little tornado party and watched the hail pelt our cars out the window. We only took refuge in the basement for about 15 minutes, after the power went out and the second siren sounded. We also saw a lot of low, swirling clouds in the sky and figured it was best to take cover. Hercules got nervous again so we told jokes to lighten the mood. When it was over the whole neighborhood gathered out in the street to survey the damage and compare dents in our cars. There was one broken window at a neighboring house, but that was the worst of it.

By then Hercules was giddy with relief, and having a good ol' time romancing the crowd.

And that was our adventure for the weekend! How was yours?

Lighter fare

2006-03-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's heavy-hearted post, I thought I needed to lighten things up a bit. So here's a Randy Newman song that I'd like to share because it reminds me very much of Hercules pre-Concerta:

Change Your Ways

This song used to make me cry, and it still does, but for different reasons (which is not so very remarkable, seeing as how Puff the Magic Dragon moves me to tears, too). Hercules has indeed changed his ways, and it is quite a dramatic change. But he's still my mischievous, ornery, affectionate little warrior and I'm so thankful.

Here's our new favorite game:

Me: Come here and pick up your dirty clothes, Boy.
Herc: OK, Woman. But if you call me Boy one more time I'm gonna love you till you scream!
Me: Oh yeah? Well if you call me Woman one more time I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you 'til you turn red, Boy!
Herc: That's it, Woman! Watch out!

And then we charge each other and collide in a mass of hugs and giggles. Weeeee!

Hiding out

2006-03-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty quiet on the homefront. Every day is an all-5 day for Hercules lately, which is truly incredible. So I've been doing a lot of self-reflection these days and coming to grips with my own behavior patterns. I'm finally realizing just how alike Hercules and I actually are, because in truth I don't know how to handle my anger either, it's just that I manifest it differently than he does. Imagine that. I've got a lot of work to do.

I think another reason I've been turning inward is because the outer world is becoming too horrific to bear. Not my immediate world, thank goodness, but the greater world that we all share. Not to mention Iraq, Africa, Washington DC. It overwhelms me.

Do me one favor, could you? Please sign this petition: Buying Sex is not a Sport. Because the fact that this sort of thing isn't universally condemned just boggles my mind.

Such a long time to be gone

2006-03-07T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm home! Yes, it's good to be here. My trip gave me a whole new appreciation for this town I call home. College towns rock, yes indeed. The rest of this red state I find myself in is lame. Lame!

You'll be pleased to hear that Hercules and Pa managed just fine without me. I think it was good for them to have that time together. It certainly cemented my faith in my husband. Bless him. Hercules had a great week, behavior-wise, although there was that one day when Pa forgot to give him his meds. Luckily, his teacher figured that out pretty quick, and Pa rushed over with the blessed pills. Good save, Pa!

Unfortunately, Hercules was feeling a bit under the weather, mostly with a nasty cough and sore throat. He was getting by, though, until Thursday when a coughing fit induced vomiting during PE. Poor guy. Once again, Pa came through and was able to ditch work and get him home (which is not so easy at his job as it is with mine). There was some speculation as to whether the Concerta is causing the cough, or just aggravating it (increased coughing is a side effect). Since he's been on the upswing without any further difficulties, though, we're guessing that at worst the Concerta may have aggravated the existing condition.

So things are back to normal, or better than normal, even. It's great to be home with my family. The only bad news is that last week's business trip has significantly increased my workload here at the Paycheck Factory. That means less blogging, folks. What? Blog from home, you say? Not likely. But with any luck this project I'm working on - which is expected to take weeks - will probably be done in a few days. I'm just so damned efficient! Just don't tell my boss, ok?

Quick update

2006-02-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

I had hoped to find time to blog this weekend so I could at least let everyone know that I'm out of town all this week on business, and my Internet access will be limited. I don't plan on blogging much, if at all. I'll catch up when I get back.

But first I'll sneak in a quick update: Overall this weekend went well. It was my first chance to really observe Hercules on the meds for a full day, and the results are mixed. I didn't see any real dramatic changes overall. He seemed as prone as ever to frustration and defiance, although he was less likely to take it to the next step: aggression. This is certainly an improvement and I think it relates to his impulse control abilities. I'm realizing that even a medicated Hercules is still Hercules (this is good!) so he's not going to morph into an angelic, passive little yes-man all of a sudden. He's still a willful little warrior! But a little impulse control goes a long way.

We played a lot of Monopoly this weekend (one of Pa's birthday presents), and Hercules happily played several games, some of which lasted for hours, both with the other kids and with just me. He loves Monopoly! I was impressed by how long he focused on the game (even after other kids lost interest), and how well he cooperated and followed the rules.

Best of all, there are still no signs of any side effects whatsoever. This pleases me the most. Here's to hoping that Pa and Hercules get along fine without me this week:)

Hurray for Hercules!

2006-02-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight we are having a sleepover, in celebration of Herc’s best week in school EVER! His stepbrother is here along with the 2 boys from down the street, CJ & DJ. They ate pizza, rode bikes, played hide and seek, and are now watching “Zathura.”

Hercules received his first ever “excellent” ratings on his weekly report, with some “goods” and not a single “fair” (what he normally gets). Miracles can happen!

Tonight, however, it was obvious that the meds had worn off and Hercules has had a terrible attitude with both Pa and I. At least he’s been playing nicely with the other kids. I can handle some attitude if he’s pulling through all day at school. I’ll take what I can get.

Life is good:)

Wanna know a secret?

2006-02-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

Hercules beat our friend J at chess a little while back! I almost forgot to brag about it, and today J was checking to make sure I hadn't told anybody. So of course I'm blogging it:)

Sorry J, but it's a mother's prerogative to brag about her kids. Take comfort in the knowledge that very few of my readers know who you are.

Concerta: Day One

2006-02-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Stellar! We couldn't have asked for a better start. I spoke with Mrs. B when I arrived at school to pick up Hercules, and she gave me rave reviews: Hercules sat quietly with the other kids during group time. Hercules read a book quietly by himself for a full half hour - a book that is well above his reading level. Needless to say, these are both firsts for Hercules. She is nominating him and his new best friend (an endearing boy with a very similar personality who used to be his worst enemy) for the Most Improved Student award this month. In fact, Mrs. B said she thinks that Hercules may be a good influence on the other boy. Whoa.

My Hercules? A good influence? A teacher just said that my Hercules would be a good influence on another child?? Surely I must be dreaming.

I can't tell you how exciting this is for me. I never, ever thought my little warrior would be nominated for any awards in school. Quite the contrary, I've been living in fear of imminent expulsion ever since he started Kindergarten. This is the best news I've ever heard.

AND no sign of any side effects whatsoever so far. He's eating and sleeping like normal, and no complaints of headaches or stomachaches or anything. No moodiness or psychosis or heart failure! Thank goodness!

So although I'm trying not to get overly excited after just one day of feedback, I feel like I just won the lottery.

Weeeeee!

P.S. Herc's wound is healing well so far. Thanks for all the well-wishes!

Trauma-drama

2006-02-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

Last night it was time to remove the gauze from Herc's wound and clean it as needed. This turned out to be a horrific ordeal. That Hercules, he has the strength of an ox and the courage of a bunny rabbit.

First, Hercules refused to let me touch the gauze or any of the tape holding it in place. He insisted on doing it himself, which proved to be a painstaking process. He paused often to sit and cry despairingly. I hugged him and coaxed and begged him to let me do it. He finally got down to the last corner of tape, the gauze now completely unhinged, revealing his wound and stitches in all their hideous glory. The sight of this only unnerved him more. He was crying "It doesn't look right! It doesn't look right!!" That's when I hugged him and stealthily reached one hand down and yanked off the last centimeter of tape. That pissed him off but good grief, it was past his bedtime already and I still had to figure out how to clean the thing without putting him in a straight jacket.

I had planned on using a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol to gently (oh so gently) swab the skin around his stitches. But everytime I attempted to do so, Hercules would grab my hands and yank them away. After much begging, pleading, cajoling, and coercing, all my tricks were still failing. Then I realized that he still had to take a shower tonight, surely that would provide a sufficient cleansing of the wound.

Getting Hercules into the shower was no less traumatic, I'm afraid. There was lots more pleading and cajoling, but he wasn't going for it. In his defense, he wasn't being stubborn out of defiance, the poor kid was genuinely scared. I think he had already dealt with all the pain and discomfort he could handle in the past couple of days, and the prospect of facing more of the same had him completely freaked. I also suspect he was overtired, which is never conducive to cooperation in our young Hercules. But, the problem remained - that wound had to be cleaned, if only a little. Not just tonight, but every day for at least the next week or so.

I tried everything I could think of, but Hercules just stood outside the tub, sobbing and squealing. At one point I got so exasperated I tried to pick him up and place him in the tub myself, but dammit, he's too big and too heavy and his legs were all over the place. I set him down and took a few steps back. I needed to calm myself and regroup. I decided it was time for desperate measures. This is the speech I gave him:

"OK, you have 2 options. You can either clean your wound so it will heal and be good as new, or you can leave it alone. If you leave it alone, it will get crusty. Then it will get red and swollen. Then it will ooze puss and goo and it will hurt worse than it ever did before. Then we will have to go back to the hospital and the doctors will have to cut off your leg. So. You can take care of your wound and keep it clean, or you can let it rot until your leg comes off. What do you want to do?"

I know! I know! I'm a wicked mother. I know! But I can live that because IT WORKED. HA!

Once Hercules got into the shower, sobbing and shaking, he quickly realized that he was not going to die. He was not subjected to excruciating pain when the water touched his stitches. He freaked out for a second when some soap suds ran down his leg toward his stitches, but even that didn't hurt, and he was still alive! What a relief!

This morning when it was time to dress his wound again, Hercules objected to anything that involved tape or sticky stuff to hold the gauze in place. Luckily, I found an ace bandage, and I used that to hold the gauze. It worked great and Hercules was happy. Thank god.

Here's a song from Trout Fishing in America that we sang last night to lighten the mood:

Bandaid

And another Trout song, just for fun and because it's Herc's favorite:

Pico de Gallo

Wounded Warrior

2006-02-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

Well, we were supposed to start Hercules on his medication today, but our plans were thwarted by a trip to the ER. Hercules was home from school yesterday, along with the other kids. Pa was off work but I wasn't, so he had all 6 kids in his care. After lunch they were all outside playing Octopus, and somehow Hercules went running smack into the edge of the bumper on our neighbor's old pick-up truck. Pa called me at work and asked if I could take him to the hospital so he wouldn't have to take everyone. He's pretty fearless when it comes to wrangling kids, but hauling all 6 of them to the ER to spend hours waiting around is just inhumane. I left work and arrived at the house to inspect Hercules' wound. It was hideous. There was a hole in left thigh roughly 1 1/2-inch square. I could see parts of his leg that shouldn't ever see the light of day. I wasn't even sure stitches would work, since it was gaping open so wide, but I knew it would need a doctor's attention regardless. So I hurriedly packed Hercules into the truck to get him to the hospital while Pa stayed with the rest of the kids. Except for El, who begged to come along. Hercules seemed happy to have her company, so I agreed.

Despite some serious hassles with parking and being shuffled from Urgent Care to the ER, it went pretty smoothly. Hercules was in remarkably good spirits, so good that the nurses really didn't take me seriously until Hercules pulled his pants down to display his wound. When the Urgent Care nurse is silent and tight-lipped and runs out immediately to fetch the doctor, you know it's ugly. We ended up at the ER because they decided it would be difficult to stitch him up using only a local anaesthetic. I had to agree that Hercules wasn't exactly the type to just lay still while the doctor sewed him up, and I was right. When we finally were admitted to the ER, they attempted a local anyway, but Hercules struggled so violently when the doctor tried to even touch his leg and apply iodine to his wound, they changed their minds pretty quickly. In the end they doped him up on something mild and he was out of it for the whole ordeal. He came to pretty quickly, but we weren't out of there until 5:00, which is precisely when the behavioral health clinic closes, so I wasn't able to pick up his prescription.

So that's why Hercules won't get his medication until tomorrow. The good news is that he's recovering very well so far. He's more traumatized by having to remove the taped bandages on his arm (where they stuck the IV) than the wound itself. Go figure.

Monday Morning Meme

2006-02-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

This one's kinda fun. Mama Yaya tagged me, so now I will subject you all to some useless facts about moi.

Four Jobs I've Had
Wrangler - At a posh dude ranch in Colorado. Dream job!
Stablehand - I shoveled a lot of horse poop in exchange for free riding lessons. Also known as a Barn Rat.
Factory Worker - Packaging cameras on an assembly line at a Kodak plant.
Tuxedo Rose - Selling roses in bars wearing a tux w/tails, black tights, bikini bottom, and high heels. Ugh. That lasted only 2 weeks. I was never paid. Long story!

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over
Being John Malkovich
Donnie Darko
Raising Arizona
Antonia's Line

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch
Actually, I don't watch TV. But I used to, in rare phases of my life. These shows bring back fond memories:
Northern Exposure - My all-time favorite
X-Files
Teamo Supremo - Used to be my favorite cartoon to watch w/Hercules. Thanks to this show, I tried to persuade him to call me Earth Mom, but he wouldn't cooperate.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart -This is one I would like to watch, but I'm never up that late. Mostly I see clips online.

Four Places I've Lived
Clark, CO (close to Steamboat Springs)
Hudson, NH
Sarasota, FL
Heredia, Costa Rica

Four Places I’ve Been on Vacation
Moab, Utah
US Virgin Islands
Dinosaur, Colorado
Georgetown, Colorado

Four Favorite Dishes
Pad Thai
Any curry dish
Sushi
Fish 'n Chips

Four Websites I Visit (Almost) Daily
Jimbus
HELLO
3 am from Kyoto
MUTE

Four Places I’d Rather Be
A quiet mountain in Colorado
An old growth forest in the Pacific Northwest
At home snuggling on the couch between Pa and Hercules
Taking photographs of sailors, fishermen, and other seafaring folks on a warm coastline anywhere

Four Bloggers I am Tagging
Not sure there are 4 bloggers that read this blog that haven't done this one already, but I think these qualify. No pressure, folks! Feel free to drop the ball:
Fabulosa Mujer
Karianna
Fate at Point of Tears
Kristyk

Tidbits

2006-02-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

We had a fairly quiet weekend. It's been too cold to do anything outdoors, so Hercules and the kids got to watch two movies on Saturday. We watched a Wallace and Grommet flick in the afternoon, which was cute. Before bed we saw the 1970's version of King Kong, which proved painful to watch, at least for me. I think Jessica Lange's character "Dwan" (Duh!-wan) may be the most pathetic, annoying female lead EVER. And that's saying a lot.

I'll be picking up Herc's prescription tonight - Concerta it is. We'll see how it goes. Ironically, the past couple of weeks he has been on his best behavior at school. But he's got a field trip coming up in mid-March, and it only takes 2 trips to the ABLE room between now and then for him to get left behind for the trip. Since a good week at school is incredibly rare and trips to the ABLE room are standard procedure for our young Hercules, I'm hoping Concerta will come through for him.

The bad news is that I only have one week to observe Hercules on this drug before I have to leave town for five days. It's a business trip that was arranged months ago, and there's no getting out of it now. Of course, if all goes well it could be a real bonus for Pa in terms of coping with Hercules while I'm away. I trust Pa completely, but it still tugs at my heart strings to imagine Hercules going through his daily routine without me. Especially bedtime, when we snuggle in his bed together and read Harry Potter and snuggle some more. *Sigh*

So, hopefully if there are going to be any issues with side effects, they'll appear in the first week. Of course Pa and Herc's teacher will be on the lookout, too. But still, the timing of this trip pretty much sucks.

On the other hand, I will confess that I am also looking forward to this trip immensely. This will be the first time since the birth of Hercules that I will have nearly five entire days and nights to be completely by myself. I'm taking three cameras and a notebook. I LOVE being alone, and this is an extremely rare opportunity. It will be a bittersweet experience, to be sure.

It's Official

2006-02-16T12:22:00.001-08:00

I spoke with Herc’s psychiatrist earlier this week, and ADHD it is. No surprises there. Then it was time to discuss treatment and she listed for me all the medications that were available: Adderall, Concerta, Ritalin, Strattera. She discussed the side effects with me and then asked me which one I felt the most comfortable with. I chose Strattera, but I had to call her back to let her know which pharmacy to call it in to.

But first I got online and started researching Strattera. That was kind of scary. So I googled Ritalin and that was just as scary. They’re all scary. It’s all just one big gamble and this is my only child we’re talking about here and I don’t like any of my choices, dammit.

Of course you hear the horror stories, which I had already braced myself for. I take those with a grain of salt. Particularly when a parent says something like this:

My daughter took Strattera for about a month. She became very hostile and angry while taking it. She is normally very docile and happy.

If she is normally “docile and happy,” why in the hell did you put her on meds?? Good grief.

Anyway, I’ve spoken with the psychiatrist some more and I’m still leaning towards Strattera, with Concerta as my second choice. I’ve since called her back and asked more questions and she told me to take my time to decide. On one hand, I’m really very thankful that she’s allowing me to choose a drug that I feel comfortable with. On the other hand, sometimes I wish she would absolve me of all responsibility and tell me what to do. I feel like I’m grossly under qualified to be making this sort of decision.

One thing I learned from my research is that caffeine, being a stimulant, tends to have similar benefits as meds for ADHD people. I’m thinking of making Hercules a cup of coffee every morning just to see what happens. It’s certainly less risky than Ritalin, I figure. I’ll use that instant coffee that Pa can’t bring himself to drink.

Speaking of Pa, it’s his birthday today, by the way. Happy Birthday, Love!

So I’m leaning towards Concerta right now, with Strattera a close second. Concerta lasts the longest so it’ll get him through the entire school day. If it really works, maybe I won’t be afraid to let Hercules ride the bus home after school!

But it’s all just one big experiment, with Hercules as the hapless guinea pig. Woopeee.

Does anyone else out there have any experience with Strattera or Concerta, or any of the other meds? Good, bad, or otherwise?

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I like to refer to V-day as amateur night, and I have to admit that I've always been pretty cynical about this holiday. It is, after all, just another commercialized bit of out-moded romantic hype. Self-sufficient righteous babes such as myself need not be bothered with such gaudy displays of patriarchal affection. I suspect that this may be one of the few days of the year (besides birthdays & anniversaries) that some men make any gesture of affection towards their wife, and only because it comes with a certain expectation that there's something in it for them. It may be the only day they get laid this month.

But I would like to use this holiday to celebrate the fact that my husband is not one of those men. I am blessed with an amazing husband. How amazing, you ask? Let me count the ways!

Things I love about my husband:

He worships me like the goddess I am.
He cooks for me almost every night.
He does the dishes more than I do.
He's a great father and stepfather.
He's gentle when I'm wrong.
He will spoon me and cuddle me every night.
He has a deep, sexy voice and he knows how to use it.
He plays the ukelele for me in bed.
He sings sweet, funny songs to me all the time.
He is my partner in every sense of the word.
He supports all of my professional and creative pursuits, however fickle and insecure I myself may be.
He makes me feel sexier than any movie star.
He is a movie star!
If it weren't for him I may have never seen The Poin t.
He introduced me to the Asylum Street Spankers.
He never leaves the house without kissing me first.
He doesn't wait for a special occasion to spoil me rotten.
He knows better than to buy me jewelry, let alone diamonds.
He does yoga more often than I do.
He doesn't care for sports.
He didn't even know which teams were in the Superbowl!
He doesn't watch TV at all, for that matter.
He rarely, if ever, complains.
He turns on the heat for me in the bathroom every morning, so when I take my shower it will be warm and toasty.
There's really nothing he wouldn't do for me.
He's my hero!

27-44. Plus 17 other things that are too X-rated to mention here, sorry;)

I love you, Pa! You're the best. Thanks for putting up with me!

Coping strategies

2006-02-13T07:24:00.000-08:00

This weekend was busy as ever. We entertained some friends on Saturday for dinner, and that was fun. Their 2 kids joined forces with ours, and with the addition of the neighbor kids we had a grand total of 11 children between the ages of 5 and 14 in my house that evening. Maybe that's what got Pa stirred up about house-shopping. Our house is just too small, folks. But we came back to the solid conclusion that this one is just gonna have to do, for at least another four or five years.

Twice on Saturday I exercised a new coping mechanism: I locked myself in my bedroom alone for a little while. Once before the guests arrived, at which time I meditated for a bit and then took a much-needed power nap. Then again after they left, because after spending the past few hours on full throttle trying to be a good hostess and maintain order among the throngs of children, I needed to be alone. I needed a quiet place where there weren't three people talking to me at once. The kids had been fighting a lot all day long and my last nerve had gone bust. Plus I've been fighting a nasty head cold for 2 weeks now and I'm just plain tired.

Those short breaks were a real sanity-saver for me and I think I need to allow myself to do this more often. I have to give my husband some credit, too, since he did all the cooking (with some help from Elsa) and much of the cleaning before and after our dinner with friends. And when I tell him I need to be alone for a while and shut the door, he makes sure no one bothers me. Bless him.

We had one weird experience Saturday night. We were all sprawled about the living room watching a movie before bedtime when there was a knock on the door. I got up to answer it while everyone else focused on the TV screen. I opened the door, and there was a woman standing there holding a packet of folded pamphlets. She handed me one and I glanced at it. I skimmed it over quickly and saw a few key words: deaf, mute, please make a contribution, $2.00. I thanked her for the packet, shook my head and said sorry, not this time. Just as I was closing the door, she shook her head furiously and pointed insistently at the pamphlet in my hand. I looked at it again and repeated my response. But then some of the kids began to gather around behind me, curious, and she began pointing at them insistently, and pointing at her pamphlets. She was getting angry and more insistent and it was becoming very awkward. I kept shaking my head and when I tried to close the door she thrust her arm through it, still holding her pamphlets and gesturing angrily at me. I didn't know what to say - she's deaf, right? - but I finally managed to shut the door despite her protests.

The whole thing made me feel awful, rude, and angry. I have a hard time saying no to people in general, and I'm always polite to people who solicit at my door, however annoying they may be. However, no one can persuade me to hand over cash in any amount to a stranger knocking on my door on a Saturday night, no matter how pitiful her story seems. I'm sorry, but the deaf-mute scam is the oldest one in the book. I hate to be cynical but if someone has a valid plight and needs assistance, there are better ways to get the help they need. And yet I still feel like a jerk for turning her away and shutting the door in her face like that. The whole experience made me feel dirty.

I know I shouldn't laugh

2006-02-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

But this email I received from Herc's teacher today had me roaring:

"I also wanted to let you know that Hercules has been rolling up pieces of paper today and putting them in his mouth, which makes it look like he has a cigarette in his mouth. When I asked him why he was doing this, he told me it wasn't a cigarette, but it was like a piece of tree bark like [The Diva] puts in her mouth (I'm thinking maybe she uses a cinnamon stick?) However, I have told him at least 4 times today to get the papers out of his mouth because that's not acceptable at school. If you could address this at home tonight it would be great. :) In his writing story today he wrote that if he was a cat he would be in a club and they would smoke and drink beer. We had to talk about how this was inappropriate to write, too."

Just to clear things up:

The Diva has been using cinnamon sticks as a sort of placebo because she is trying to quit smoking.
Hercules returned home from The Diva's house to find Pa practicing with his bandmates (I was in class). He joined in their jam session by playing the spoons. When I woke him up this morning the first words out of his mouth were "When I'm 12 will I be old enough to join The Bait Shop Boys?"

I hadn't realized how the naughty hillbilly jazz would infiltrate my son's impressionable young mind. Cats who smoke and drink beer, hmm?

Photo break

2006-02-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Here's one from my most recent roll. Over the weekend I shot a whole roll by taking a shot of each of the kids, Pa, and the neighbor kids. Unfortunately the one of Hercules turned out very poorly, but some of the others look quite good. Here's one that isn't focused very well and the light is terrible, but I still kinda like it. That's my front porch their all sitting on.

L-R: Charles, Haldan, Hercules, Darius, Aubrey, Elsa

Playing hooky

2006-02-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

Looks like Hercules was sick after all. I got a call at 1:00 yesterday from the school nurse – Hercules has a fever, please come get him. I’m more than happy to have an excuse to ditch work, so I picked him up straight away. He was running a fever, which means he has to be fever-free for 24 hours before they’ll let him back in school. So we’re home again today, but Hercules is already over his bug and has been going strong all day. We’ve been running errands all afternoon, which is a bit exciting with the warrior in tow. But it’s Pa’s birthday next week and I had to get his gifts while I had the chance.

Although women are supposedly genetically wired to pass hours at the mall in pure bliss, I would personally prefer a nice, quiet trip to the dentist. I hate malls even more than I hate shopping in general. I would explain why I was forced to enter this bastion of consumer excess, but I don’t want my husband to find out what he’s getting, so you’ll just have to trust that I had no other choice.

It was especially fun trying to get Hercules to walk from one end of the mall to the other. But there were just so many stores – no doors or barriers, just wide open, beckoning to him with their flashy displays, seductive aromas, bright colors and hypnotic noisemakers. And the kiosks! I tried to keep a hold of his hand, but my little warrior isn’t so easily tethered. I was really wishing I had some handcuffs, and even though I’m sure the general public frowns on handcuffing children, I was prepared to sacrifice my reputation.

And yet, somehow our mission was accomplished and finally I could flee the mall. Then it was off to the grocery store for just a few quick items. That was much easier to manage because those carts are just big enough to hold a Hercules. I put the food in that little seat for babies and tried to keep Hercules from rocking the cart into passers-by. He only managed to knock down a few jars of pickles, but nothing broke so hey, no big deal!

But it’s all over, we’re home now and Hercules is waiting for The Diva to pick him up for their weekly rendezvous. I’m glad he’s feeling better – it does him good to hang out with The Diva.

Cheers and boos

2006-02-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

Cheers for our young Hercules, who started the week off on an especially good note. His PRIDE report was all 4s and 5s. His teacher printed out a special congratulatory note for his great work during writing time. Go Hercules!

Over dinner last night I asked Hercules what he wrote about, and he described to me his "Get-Up Machine." It's a complex Rube Goldberg-like contraption that is designed to wake him up in the morning. Pretty clever, eh? So we heaped the praise on him and hopefully that will encourage him to write more.

This morning he was very groggy and listless and complaining that his throat hurt. I took his temperature and he was fine, so I sent him to school. It's always tempting to keep him home and take a day off from work, but I really need to reserve my sick time for those days when he's really very sick.

I've been reading about a new trend regarding education which is concerned with the achievement gap between boys and girls. Apparently, a lot of people are alarmed by the fact the boys are falling behind girls rather dramatically. While that may be a valid problem, they believe the blame lies in the "feminization of our schools." I'm not buying it.

As one male high school student so eloquently stated, "All the books are, like, girl books." Hmmm. I'm willing to bet the majority of those "girl books" were written by men, back in the old days when men were taught to value scholarly aptitude and articulate conversation.

As the mother of a boy who is struggling in school, it's obvious to me that schools are not typically structured to accommodate children with special needs, and obviously not all boys, nor only boys, have special needs. At the same time, however, I'm pretty sure that dumbing down the curriculum to make sure boys aren't held back isn't doing them any favors, either. Sure, the system should be more flexible in its teaching methods because some kids just learn differently than others, regardless of their gender. But assuming that boys are being oppressed by our "feminized" schools is just silly. And letting boys slide through school with lower expectations is insulting to boys everywhere. My Hercules is all about action and violence, much to my chagrin. And yet he's quite capable of enjoying such "feminine" entertainment as The Little Mermaid, Junie B. Jones books, and Pippi Longstocking. Well, maybe those aren't the best examples of femininity, but the point is that I intend to expose him to a broad range of literature, art, and films (like the Triplets of Belleville and Animal Farm) because I believe in his ability to appreciate more than just GI Joe.

In my opinion, if society really wants to do boys a favor, we could turn off our collective TVs, throw away the video games, and let them run around outdoors and explore their world at every opportunity. That way, when it comes time to sit down and focus on a more intellectual activity, they'll be able to handle it. And don't even get me started on the horrible role models that our culture expects boys to emulate as "cool." Sports are cool, reading books is not. Soldiers are cool, art is for fags. Frat parties are cool, scholars are nerds. According to MTV and reality shows, it's much more cool for boys to act macho, grope and harass half-naked girls, get stupid drunk, drive fast, punch people that aren't like you, and shoot guns. And we wonder why boys can't be bothered to read books anymore? But it's so much easier to blame the feminists. Yeah.

Family fun

2006-02-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

The kids are here all weekend (as opposed to just Saturday), so we had a house full last night. Plus the two boys from down the street, CJ and DJ, who spend a lot of time here. I'm always happy to have those two. Let's just say that I've had enough neighborhood kids around to appreciate the well-mannered ones.

We got everyone to watch The Triplets of Belleville last night, which was pretty amazing considering there's almost no dialogue in the entire movie. A cartoon where no one speaks! There is quite of bit of singing, but even the songs don't really have words. Oh, and when anyone does talk it's in French. And the kids loved it. How cool is that? I absolutely loved this movie. There are a few scenes I'd love to have a still of, they're so beautifully composed.

It's typical for us to see an Oscar-winner a year late. I'm sure we'll be watching this year's nominees by this time next year. But that's OK with me. I love watching movies at home. It's so much more comfortable. And I can make out with my husband if I want to:)

Here's a photo of our family dinner last night - hotdogs and beans (egg sandwich for me). We feast like kings!

Kiss my sweet ass, Angelina Jolie

2006-02-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

I found this today via msn.com and I wanted to gag. I just don't get the fuss over celebrities to begin with. They're just people. If anything they tend to be more arrogant, vain, superficial, and materialistic than most. These are not qualities I admire. So when the media declares "Celeb 'Hot Moms' May Redefine Motherhood," I want to slap someone.

Redefine motherhood, my ass. The last thing moms need is for celebrity motherhood to be the next mommy standard, fuck you very much. Sure, being a single mom is a piece of cake when you've got a fleet of domestic servants and an army of nannies at your beck and call.

You know what I want? I want to see Angelina Jolie's belly swell up to absurd proportions so the paparazzi can stop her on the street and demand to know if she's having twins (this happened to me quite frequently, except they weren't paparazzi). I want to see some stretch marks on her scrawny little post-pregnancy bod. Then we'll see how long Brad sticks around. If we see Angelina's stomach covered in stretch marks and wrinkles from all that stretching on the big screen, then maybe we can talk about celebrity moms redefining motherhood. Maybe. But I won't hold my breath.

I'm not bitter or jealous. I don't feel the need to emulate any celebrity. But I know that too many women do, thanks to the media, and articles like this are just so ignorant, I get a little annoyed.

Quickie

2006-02-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to let you know that Hercules has been doing pretty well this week. Only one morning in the ABLE room so far. This morning he was excited to get to Adventure Club to work on building his Hogwarts Lego castle. Cool!

All the kids are coming over tonight and staying until Sunday, so it will be a busy weekend. The good news is that I've signed up to participate in the 120 challenge over at Flickr. The objective is to shoot an entire roll of 120 film in 120 minutes on Feb. 4th. I decided that I'm going to set up my Holga on my tripod in front of the house and take photos of each of the kids, plus each neighbor kid that comes by. That should fill 9 of the 12 exposures on the roll. One more of Pa will make 10, and the last two will just have to be wildcards. I just hope I can get some photos that are in focus! The tripod should help. I've been wanting to do more portraits and people shots, so this is a great incentive for me.

It will be a couple more days after that before I get the negatives back, scanned, and uploaded. But when I do I'll share them with you all, to be sure.

Speaking of reckoning

2006-02-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

I just got a letter today from Senator Jim Talent, who was congratulating himself for voting to confirm Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Bastard. He doesn't seem to realize that I only subscribe to his newsletter so I can keep tabs on his latest offenses. It doesn't help that in his letters to me he insists on addressing me as "Mr." Then again, maybe that's why he expects me to give a shit about his lame ass. Wanna read my reply to him? Either way, here it is:

Senator Talentless,

I considered writing to you prior to the confirmation vote, but I'm not naive and I knew that my concerns would fall on deaf ears. Now that it's over and my worst fears have been confirmed (literally), all I have to say is that I look forward to the opportunity to vote you out of office, you spineless crook.

May God serve you with the same justice that Justice Alito has shown for the citizens that appear in his court.

Pointless yet gratifying. That's the American political process for ya.

And now we wait

2006-02-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the day of reckoning for Hercules, and it went smoothly. This doctor asked the right questions, listened to my answers (how novel!), and engaged Hercules as well. When it was over, she asked if I had any questions. I just wanted to know what happens next. She explained that she would like more information before she makes her final diagnosis. She gave me a form for Herc's teacher to fill out, and instructed me to make two follow-up appointments for one month and three months from now. She then explained that given the possible explanations for Hercules' behavior (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or ADHD), based on what she learned today ADHD seems to be the most likely culprit. This came as no surprise to me.

The one month follow-up will have to be a two month, since this doctor is booked solid until then. It seems like a glacial process, this psychiatric business, but I have no choice but to wait my turn. And although waiting is hell, I still prefer to have a doctor that takes her time before she pins a label on my son, rather than make a snap diagnosis. Now we just have to pray that Hercules doesn't get kicked out of school or Adventure Club in the meanwhile.

Incidentally, I received a call later that afternoon from one of the school counselors, following up on my request for him to be seen by them as well. We discussed his current behavior issues and how we've been managing them, etc. Soon Hercules will be included in some group meetings with other kids that have similar issues. I think this will do him some good, and at the very least, it won't do him any harm.

So the ball is officially in motion! And now, we wait.

How about some music to pass the time? Let's do a tribute to the Man in Black, Mr. Johnny Cash. I thought it would be cool to do a tribute on the anniversary of his death, but then I learned that that's not until September, so we'll just do it today. Any day is a good day to honor Johnny! How many contemporary country musicians do you know that can do justice to covers of Nine Inch Nails, Depeche Mode, and The Beatles, all in the same album? That's right, none. I don't hold very many so-called country musicians in very high esteem these days, but Johnny Cash is in a class of his own. If you haven't had the pleasure of listening to the last album he made before he died, you need to get that album. It never fails to make me cry, especially his rendition of "We'll Meet Again." Turns me into a blubbering girl every damn time. Following are Herc's favorites:

A Boy Named Sue
When the Man Comes Around

That last one is an interesting apocalyptic ballad which represents Johnny's interpretation of the Book of Revelation, easily the most fascinating book in the Bible, in my opinion. But anyone who knows me is familiar with my fascination for all things eschatological, which is a fancy word for apocalyptic.

I say bring on the apocalypse. It can only be an improvement on this tragically fucked-up world we call modern civilization.

Close call

2006-01-30T15:01:00.000-08:00

I almost forgot! I had a Hercules story for you today. But since I rarely blog on weekends, I nearly forgot to share it. It goes like this:

I went to Herc’s school on Friday afternoon to pick him up for his appointment with his counselor. I signed him out in the office, and as I was leaving Mr. Z offered to walk with me. In the hallway, he informed that he had done Hercules a favor. He confiscated some fireworks from him and did not tell the principal. But he wanted me to know about it.

I thanked him profusely. Mr. Z must really love Hercules, because he almost certainly would have at least been suspended for bringing fireworks to school. And scheming with his friends (everyone’s your friend when you’re the boy with the fireworks) as to how they could set them off during recess. Christ almighty. At least he didn’t have any matches with him, too. Luckily, forethought is not one of Hercules’ strengths.

Thank you, Mr. Z. I know who Herc’s real friend is!

Btw, those fireworks were some that Hercules and the neighborhood kids fished out of someone’s trash. I had thought that he had turned them all over to me, but obviously I was mistaken. For this offense, I didn’t think taking away his computer and TV privileges was sufficient, so I took away his bicycle for the weekend, too. I hated to do it. But damn, fireworks! At school!

The weekend is over, now, and he gets his privileges back. First thing after school, he’s on his bike. Now I only have to worry about him getting crushed by speeding vehicles, or disappearing out of sight in our thug-ridden neighborhood. Thank goodness everything’s back to normal.

Looking in

2006-01-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

Not much to say right now. Tomorrow is the big day - Herc's psych evaluation with Dr. Y. Everyone tells me she's the best. I'm not nervous so much as anxious to get it over with. I just want answers.

New music and other ramblings

2006-01-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

I’ve been meaning to post for days but I got hit with the flu on Monday and I’m just beginning to feel human again. Still cruddy, but not so cruddy that I can’t type.

Hercules has had some great days at school since Friday, which is spectacular. But of course it triggers those doubts in my mind: Am I jumping the gun on this medication stuff? Am I taking the easy way out at his expense?

But then his teacher sent some homework home. This is the beginning of a weekly assignment for his class in which she sends a short book home and he is expected to read it and then answer some short, simple questions about what he read. It’s great practice and I think it’s good for Hercules. We worked on it this morning, because he is supposed to spend this evening with The Diva and I’ve been too sick to help him. It’s due tomorrow.

Anyway, getting Hercules to complete his homework was exasperating. Since I didn’t have to be at work today, we had plenty of time and there was no hurry (he wakes up at 6 am). But he still struggles with reading more than he should, it seems to me. I have to constantly remind him to slow down and look at the letters and make those sounds, because he will guess at a word and his guess doesn’t remotely resemble the actual word, even simple words that sound exactly the way they are spelled (which is somewhat rare in the English language). When I ask him to try again, he gets extremely agitated and wants to give up.

Writing is only slightly better. Mostly he’s just careless and sloppy, and I know this is normal for a lot of boys his age, but it still frustrates me, especially when I’m right next to him, coaching him, and he ignores me.

Maybe I’m too pushy, I don’t know. I know that reading and writing came easy to me. I don’t remember learning to read, I just remember doing it and once I started I never stopped. I do give Hercules lots of encouragement and praise as he reads, but I also make sure I correct him if he misreads a word.

Sometimes I wonder if he may be a little dyslexic, too. He can’t seem to distinguish his b’s and d’s, and he often reverses the spelling of simple words like “it.” It’s too soon to tell, yet. I figure we’ll see how things work out once we’ve figured out his diagnosis and treatment, and then if this reading problem persists we can look into it more. But I suspect that if he were just able to slow down and focus on the words on the paper he would do fine.

Now I think it’s time we featured some more songs from the Hercules Soundtrack. Here are some selections from Southern Culture on the Skids (SCOTS):

Camel Walk
Greenback Fly

FYI: Just so you know, we listen to a lot of music that isn’t exactly appropriate for all ages, so we have to be careful what Hercules has access to. SCOTS has several songs that are not kid-friendly, but we think these two (and a few others) are pretty safe. We may not all agree on that, so use your own judgment. In other words, if you don’t want Junior to repeat the lines “Baby, will you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit?” then don’t share these with the kiddies! We tend to be rather, okay VERY liberal with our taste in music, and I relish any opportunity to share my favorite music with our kids (I am married to a musician, remember?). The key is that we are selective as to which songs we share with them, but maybe not as selective as you are. Proceed at your own risk!

Also, I can’t keep hosting these mp3 files on my server forever, so once this post falls off the main page I will remove the songs. That way I can add new selections over time, and that's a good thing!

Biking

2006-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

Biking

Still getting acquainted with my new Holga. This was first roll of color film. Each roll improves slightly from the last, but I've still some kinks to work out:)

Pleasant surprise

2006-01-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

Once again, I got a phone call from Herc's teacher today, but this one was different. She must realize how I cringe when the phone rings at my desk, since it is almost always bad news from the school. So today, the wonderful Mrs. B called me with good news - Hercules wrote a two-page story during writing time! She read it to me on the phone, and it was about our dogs, Bongo and Chico. It was hilarious, and I almost wept tears of joy I was so relieved and ecstatic. How cool is that? She really is the most thoughtful teacher Hercules could ever ask for.

After I listened to the story, I got to speak to Hercules. He spoke to me in his babyish voice, which he tends to do when he's not sure how to act. When he does that I usually say "It's much cuter when you use your normal voice." But today I didn't bother, I was too busy showering him with praise.

Now if only he could do that every day! If only.

New look, new perspective

2006-01-19T09:01:00.000-08:00

Check out the new look! You like? I think it's an improvement. Please let me know if it's broken in your browser.

As for Hercules, he's been in all kinds of trouble lately. Yesterday he refused to do his writing work, so he was sent to the ABLE room and shoved his teacher on the way out. Today he was suspended from Adventure Club (his before and after school program) for punching one of the instructors. This is the last time they'll suspend him. Next time he'll be expelled.

I'm ready to put him on meds right now. I've certainly done a complete 180 on this subject. Now I feel like the sooner we can get him on something, anything, the better - hopefully before he gets kicked out of school.

And yet at home things have been pretty tame. Just the usual back-talk and punching tables, but he hasn't been physical towards me or Pa. Mostly he's just tired in the evening and needing lots of affection, which I'm happy to supply. My heart aches for him. I want to make it all better and it's hard to be patient.

An Explanation

2006-01-16T06:44:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathy and support over the last few days, it really means a lot to me. Although last week was emotionally taxing, I’m feeling pretty good about the whole situation right now. I had a very good talk with Herc’s counselor on Friday, and it seems that we’re all on the same page. Turns out she was wondering how to broach the topic of medication with me, because she is well aware of my objections to it in general. And while we’re not all jumping on the kiddie-drug bandwagon just yet, we have agreed that it’s time to pursue a formal evaluation and diagnosis for our dear Hercules.

For all you anti-med folks out there, I feel I owe you an explanation. After all, I have been standing on my anti-medication soapbox for some time now, and feeling pretty damn righteous about it, too. But one thing I have learned in my lifelong pursuit of a radical unconventional life is that you have to be careful or your rigid adherence to a certain worldview may turn out to be just as counterproductive as any mainstream worldview if you’re not willing to acknowledge that sometimes the other side has a good point. Rigidity is never a good quality in any belief system, says I. If you recall, my worldview began to flex a little when I read this post.

So while I still believe that ADD/ADHD are overdiagnosed and there are millions of over-medicated kids in our under-funded schools who are victims of our pharmophile culture, I must also concede that there are legitimate cases of ADD/ADHD and perfectly sound reasons to medicate those children and plenty of parents who owe their sanity to the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals.

As for my personal journey with Hercules, I’m having to come to grips with the fact that Hercules has been given every opportunity for success and we’ve reached a plateau. I tried the Nurtured Heart Approach and I think it’s excellent and it certainly helped us manage Hercules’ behavior better. Martial arts has provided him with an opportunity to succeed in an area that comes naturally to him and to reinforce the basics of discipline and self-control that we’ve been trying to teach him. His counselor has helped to rebuild his self-esteem after a disastrous Kindergarten year. This year in first grade Hercules has a fantastic teacher who has been exceptionally diligent in her efforts to accommodate his needs and she goes out of her way to provide him with every opportunity to succeed.

And yet, in spite of all of these things our beloved Hercules is still struggling to survive, especially in school. Perhaps one could argue that the entire education system is inherently flawed and structured against kids like Hercules and that is probably true. However, I also think that what is being asked of Hercules is not at all unreasonable. His ability to sit still and focus on his schoolwork has been the least of my (and his teacher's) concerns, because I feel as though I can make up the difference at home in terms of his education, so no matter what he’ll learn to read and write. But what Hercules cannot seem to do is to interact and socialize with his peers without becoming angry, defensive, aggressive, and downright violent. This is a problem that is wearing everyone down because there just isn’t a lot of room for compromise when other children are being endangered.

This year is considerably different from last in that I’m dealing with teachers and administrators who genuinely love Hercules. They see him as a very charming, affectionate, funny, articulate and intelligent little boy and they are almost apologetic when they have to call me to report his most recent offense. These people are not out to get him, they are doing everything in their power to help him and he still can’t seem to pull it together, at least not consistently. As a result, Hercules' self-esteem is once again spiraling downward because he is beginning to believe that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t do anything right so he must be stupid.

All of this has forced me to consider the possibility that perhaps no amount of coaching, counseling, discipline, or therapy is going to bring us the breakthrough we’ve been praying for because maybe, just maybe, Hercules can’t help it.

It goes against everything I believe to propose such an idea. I’m a strong believer in personal responsibility and self-empowerment. But it has finally occurred to me that if I continue to deny this possibility, I may also be denying my son the only chance he has to experience normalcy and success. And that is why, dear readers, I am considering medication. And by god if medication can provide him that, then I will thank the universe every day for the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals.

One thing this journey in parenting has taught me is that sometimes the most difficult decisions that we are most resistant to may very well turn out to be the greatest blessings. Such is the beauty of the paradox of life.

I’m sure there will people who are critical of my decision and who may feel as though I have betrayed my principles. I am prepared to defend my position without apology because I have exhausted all the options and I’m in a place where I feel completely comfortable with my decision.

This is only the beginning, mind you. The first step is to get a solid diagnosis, and the testing and evaluation period could take weeks or even months. Herc’s counselor is going to try to help us speed up that process as much as possible, but there’s only so much she can do. But you know how the saying goes – a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

Meanwhile, we will keep dancing.

Happy Endings

2006-01-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

Third post today. I’ve been processing a lot. Bear with me.

I had a very helpful talk with one of Herc’s TKD instructors who also happens to be a child psychologist. That calmed me down quite a bit, and once I relaxed it turned out to be a very pleasant evening. Pa had a gig, so Hercules and I ate our dinner together. Then we had a dance party, which is one of our most favorite things to do together. He’s into Queen lately, which is something different and I’m diggin’ it.

Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning for the longest time to serve up some of Hercules' (and my) favorite tunes for your listening pleasure. Because you can’t really have the full Herculean experience without the companion sound track. It’s kinda mandatory. Here you go, try some Queen, you’ll be glad you did:

Killer Queen
Bicycle Race
Fat Bottomed Girls

So after rocking out with Freddy Mercury, we snuggled down to read in Hercules’ bed and then somehow we ended up having a fascinating discussion about the facts of life. I shit you not. It started with me talking about flowers, and how all plants have them because that’s where the seed comes from. It seemed perfectly natural that our discussion about plant reproduction and flowers as genitalia should segue into questions about where babies come from. And somehow we ended our talk by Hercules exclaiming “But Mom, trees don’t pee!” and me laughing my ass off.

Man, what a day. After all that I knew exactly what I needed to do tonight – I jumped back on the meditation wagon. I realized that ever since I fell off that wagon I’ve been slowly winding up tight. I needed to unravel. I cried while I meditated. It felt good. I feel much better already.

Good night and thanks for keeping me company on this journey of mine.

P.S. I got a new Holga camera and I'm not shooting digital much lately, so there'll be less photos than usual. But here's a sample from first roll of film in my new camera, and there will be more to come.

Something's Got to Give

2006-01-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

I just got a call from the assistant principal. Seems Hercules has been raising hell all day. She informed me that if his "physical" behavior persists, he'll be facing suspension. After she finished listing Hercules' offenses, I explained to her that these were the usual charges against him but that I had no idea what to do about it anymore. I asked her for her suggestions. Are there any resources available at the school for kids like Hercules?

She seemed to think Hercules was already utilizing them. Doesn't he already see one of our counselors? No. She was surprised. Hopefully she will pursue that, and if she doesn't I'll make sure of it.

Meanwhile, I'm going to have a long, hard talk with Hercules' counselor tomorrow. Medication is sounding better every day. Too bad it's not that simple. It takes months to get an appointment with an actual psychologist/psychiatrist, and I was wholly unimpressed with the last one we saw. But something's got to give. Either he needs to be medicated or I do.

Crazy Ideas

2006-01-12T10:04:00.000-08:00

It's been one of those up-and-down weeks for Hercules. He went from all-5's to all-1's on his PRIDE report and has grown fond of saying "I wish I could kill someone!" These are the days when I have to work hard to convince myself that my son is not a sociopath. He's just, er, volatile.

That was Tuesday. On the way from school to Tae Kwon Do I was trying to impress upon him the seriousness of killing someone and how it was not something you can threaten lightly. This upsets people, and rightly so. We were having a calm conversation when I asked him how he would feel if someone killed me and he would never, ever see me again. He chuckled and said, "Ha! Now you're just being funny!"

He wasn't laughing when I pulled the car over to the side of the road, slammed it into park, unbuckled my seatbelt and twisted around over the seat of the car and grasped his chin firmly in my hand while I forced him to look at me, and told him in no uncertain terms that I was NOT BEING FUNNY THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. I'M TIRED OF ASKING YOU NICELY TO JUST BE NICE GODDAMMIT IS THAT SO HARD?? DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE IN JAIL BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE KILLERS GO AND BY GOD IT'S NOT FUNNY!!

I took a deep breath, got back in my seat and drove him to Tae Kwon Do while he sobbed in the back seat. I dropped him off there and left to run an errand and then I cried all the way there. After TKD we forgave each other already.

Things have been considerably better since then. He got to spend time with The Diva yesterday, based on his performance at school. He's been visiting her every Wednesday on the condition of good behavior, in hopes that this will motivate him. But today and tomorrow he has a substitute teacher and his teacher asked me to prepare him. I told him to pretend that the sub was alone and unloved in the world and all she ever wanted was for one child to be kind to her and wouldn't it be nice if he were that child?

I don't know where I get these ideas!

Seriously, though, I'm running out of ideas. I'm totally at a loss anymore. I'm beginning to come to grips with the fact that Hercules has no concept whatsoever of social norms. No impulse control. No filter between his brain and his mouth. For most kids, this results in many moments of "Awww, kids say the darndest things!" For Hercules, the response is more like "Oh. My. God. Did he really just say that??"

You know it's bad when you start thinking that maybe it would be best if some kid went ahead and beat him up for mouthing off. Now, before they start deploying knives and guns and the kids are much bigger. If he can just learn his lesson now, maybe it will save his life later on. An ass-whooping from a third-grader would be no big deal compared to the high school quarterback, 'cuz you know he ain't gonna take no shit from some wise-ass kid.

Please don't think I want to see my son get beaten up. It's just that I'm beginning to feel as though it is inevitable, and better now than later, and if that's what it takes to teach him to keep his mouth shut for chrissake, then so be it.

This is not what I expected from motherhood. I think I need a buddhist retreat.

Scrapper

2006-01-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

Got another phone call from Herc's teacher yesterday. Seems he was in a fight on the playground. Mrs. B said she received a lot of conflicting stories from both the accused and various witnesses, so she wasn't certain how it started. But from what I could gather from her description and Hercules, it appears that what began as an innocent bit of Power Ranger mimicry turned into a brawl. Seeing as how the other perpetrator is as much, if not more, of a hothead as Hercules, this is no surprise. It doesn't take much for a play-punch or a play-shove to cross the line into Ouch! and then someone gets mad and all hell breaks loose.

Yep, that's pretty much what happened. And from the sounds of it, the other boy got mad first and from there Hercules may well have had a valid self-defense alibi. But who can be sure? In any case, he lost his TV and computer privileges until Saturday. Not that he's watching TV anymore since we disconnected the cable, but it never hurts to be explicit, because he likes to think that movies don't count as TV, especially if you watch them on the computer! I am so on to him. And of course we had a good discussion about how to handle a similar problem in the future that doesn't involve bodily harm to either party. The big lesson that I (and his teacher) wanted him to learn from this is that that sort of play isn't appropriate for the playground. You just can't have two volatile boy-warriors play-fighting without someone getting carried away and someone else getting hurt.

He accepted the consequences pretty well, although he was in a shitty mood when I picked him up from school. It was Tae Kwon Do day and he informed me that he wasn't going.

"Mom, don't you know I got hit in the FACE and my nose was BLEEDING???"

"All the more reason for you to go to class tonight. Let's go."

Lest you think I'm a cold heartless bitch, you must realize that Hercules has a real flair for the dramatic. He did not have a bloody nose, but according to his teacher there was a tiny show of blood at the edge of one nostril. Didn't even require a kleenex. Hardly a cause for alarm. There were no bruises, black eyes, scrapes, or scratches. I was sure he would be fine. This is the child who runs into walls for fun, remember?

He did fine in class but afterwards he was still a bit cranky, so I put him to bed earlier than usual. Tonight after school he'll finally redeem his reward for his All-5 day on Monday - we're going to bake chocolate chip cookies together! I think that's better than some cheap plastic junk toy, but Hercules would probably disagree.

I'm also going to try something new with Hercules to help him get over his writing struggles. Writing time in school has been problematic for him lately, much like reading used to be. He's slow to overcome the initial frustrations that come with learning a new skill, and he prefers to abstain from the effort completely rather than persevere and struggle through it until he gets past that initial frustration. Plus, writing is a slow and painstaking process for a hyperactive boy-warrior, and he loses interest quickly. Since we've been reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, I asked him if he'd like to have a commonplace book (a phrase which here means "a notebook for jotting down ideas, information, and other things worth remembering") like Quigley Quagmire and Klaus Baudelaire. He said yes and could it be purple?

So on my walk to work today I stopped into Walgreens and picked up two purple pocket-sized notebooks, one slightly larger than the other. One will be solely for his use to jot down whatever he likes. The other I plan to use as a sort of note-swapping book for him and me, so I can send him to school every day with a little love note and he can reply on the next page. Or something. He may have more ideas of his own, and as long as it gets him writing it's all good.

Things to do in 2006

2006-01-05T06:17:00.000-08:00

1. Finish my web design portfolio.
2. Fix up my little sailboat.
3. Write at least one short story.
4. Finish painting the rooms in my house.
5. Write and produce a play starring the whole family.
6. Pay off our credit card debt.
7. Exercise regularly.
8. Meditate regularly.
9. Write more letters.
10. Read more books.
11. Have prints made of my photos for display.
12. Exhibit my photos locally.
13. Send more thank you cards.
14. Complain less.
15. Release my judgments.
16. Eat more organic food.
17. Visit my family in NH.
18. Throw a party at my house.
19. Seek out new friends, especially those with children.
20. Relax.

Belated Happy New Year

2006-01-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
Ernest Hemingway

I'm a little late to wish everyone a happy new year, since I've been spending a lot less time online lately. Pa and I were both on vacation with Hercules last week and it was glorious! I did some more painting in my house and was generally quite productive. We spent New Year's Eve with all the kids at our local First Night celebration in downtown Columbia. It was loads of fun and I would share my photos with you but I haven't uploaded them to my flickr account yet. Soon!

But Hercules went back to school yesterday and although the transition from vacation to school is usually a doozy, he had an All-5 day! You see, 5 is the highest score he can get on his P.R.I.D.E. report. He's never had an all-5 day before, not even close, so I was quite impressed. I high-fived him and praised him lots and lots. On the way to his Tae Kwon Do class we discussed some rewards. After all, an all-5 day is quite a rarity and his first ever deserves something special, right?

I offered to pick up something for him from the thrift store, where I would be headed while he went to class, but he declined. He wanted to pick out his own toy. Then I offered to bring him to Target with me later this week and he could choose anything under $10. He agreed to this and I thought it was a good plan. However, when his class was over and I had returned from the thrift store he wanted to know if I got anything for him. I reminded him of our agreement and he burst into tears. I was dumbfounded. I explained our arrangement again but he was inconsolable. He asked if I would take him out to dinner, and again I reminded him of our agreement, which did not include eating out. He cried even more. I was annoyed.

He was still crying when we pulled into the driveway. He continued crying and wailing dramatically, so I told him to stay in his room until he could stop. This made him wail even more. This made me furious.

I was incredibly exasperated with him at this point. I had wanted so badly to shower him with praise and attention, and here he was having a fit because I didn't buy something for him immediately. I felt he was being extremely greedy, and the more I tried to reason with him, the more he cried and the more aggravated I became. It was not good. I reminded him rather harshly that most kids don't get anything at all for simply behaving properly at school. I also declared loudly that I would never buy him anything ever again if he didn't learn to show some appreciation for the things he already owns.

That's when Pa stepped in and shooed me away, thank goodness. I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out while he managed to calm Hercules down enough for him to stop crying and tend to the mess in his room.

In the end Hercules and I regained our composure and we all ate dinner together peacefully. But I couldn't shake my disappointment. Not just because Hercules' first all-5 day had been rather anti-climactic, but also because lately I've been deeply troubled by Hercules' (and my stepkids') insatiable material appetite and sense of entitlement. Which is particularly incredible considering that we're at the bottom of the income range for most families of any size, let alone a family of eight. I can't figure out how the hell they came to have such delusions of affluence, but even if I were wealthy I'm sorry but I would not shower my children with useless toys that are broken and forgotten in a week or two. Christmas, of course, brought all this to the forefront and that holiday has always irked me. A few weeks ago I disconnected the cable TV because I was tired of Hercules getting sucked into the idiot box every time I turned my back. But it seems no matter what I do, this consumer culture of ours is getting the best of our children and it horrifies me. One thing I've been trying to impress upon Hercules lately is that you will never, ever be happy if you focus on the things you don't have or the things you can't do. You will only find happiness by learning to appreciate all that you DO have. Clearly this hasn't sunk in yet.

My inability to fend off the corruption of the anti-culture that surrounds us really sets off my control issues, ironically enough. I feel like all my efforts are in vain, and in spite of all my preaching my son will grow up to shop faithfully at Wal-mart, watch prime-time TV with a religious fervor, believe everything they say on Fox News, and basically kiss The Man's ass for the rest of his miserable life. The horror!

All this makes me want to do something radical like start up an intentional community or move to Europe. When I graduated from college and I had to fill in a space for my occupation while I had none, I called myself a "Paradigm Dismantler." Lately I've begun to feel as though I have failed a promise to myself.

I know that dismantling the dominant paradigm requires considerable risk-taking, but I feel woefully ill-equipped. We're deeply in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. We're working like dogs to better our circumstances, but it will be years before we see the fruits of our labor. By then our children will be nearly all grown and any hope we ever had to assemble a new paradigm for them will be lost.

Can you tell I haven't been meditating enough lately? So much for mindful awareness and being in the present moment! I'm always coming back to that and it's not easy for me.

The Diva seems to think that if I just divorce my husband and ditch the stepkids, I'll be better off and free to chose the radical, magical life I've always wanted. She has no concept of what it means to be a single mother and no grasp of the word commitment whatsoever, so I take her advice with a grain of salt. Sure, I could find myself a wealthy sugar daddy and be a stay-home parent while we lived off the devil's money, but I did something really radical instead - I married for love. God help me.

Eh, that's enough whining for now. I'm PMSing so I should be over it in a week or so. Welcome to my monthly cycle of despair!

Christmas Greetings!

2005-12-26T19:17:00.000-08:00

How was your holiday? Ours was pretty much perfect, I must say. We did our big Christmas shebang on Thursday night with all eight kids, and that was lots of fun. It’s not often that we’re able to get everyone together all at once, so I made everyone pose for some family portraits.

Don't be scared, I'm not always so bug-eyed. I really need to work on that, though. Here's another one that's more fun:

The Kids stayed with us until Saturday, and then they had to get home. So Christmas day itself was rather quiet for us. I kept one gift for Hercules to open on Sunday, and otherwise it just a relaxing Sunday at home and that’s my favorite kind of day:)

Interestingly, Hercules got all books for Christmas this year, including a cookbook and the entire Harry Potter box set. It was a sort of happy accident, and although he genuinely likes all of his books, he let it be known that perhaps he would have preferred to get something else besides books for Christmas. I saw that as a perfect opportunity to lecture him on appreciation. Because if I had a dime for every time that child says “I’m bored! There’s nothing to do!” and a nickel for every toy in his room, I’d be on a sailboat in the South Pacific right now. Not to mention that books are the best kind of gift! He actually agreed, albeit somewhat begrudgingly.

Here's Hercules with his cookbook. Pa will be teaching him to cook like a man:)

Pa and I are on vacation until after the New Year, and we’re loving it already. I am so good at not working! Seriously, I’d be the best housewife ever. This is the ideal life, and it almost makes me sad to see how life could be if I were able to be a stay-home parent. Hercules has been taking naps, and we’ve been able to spend a lot of time reading and playing games together. He’s taken an interest in chess lately, which I think is wicked cool. It’s good for me to dust off my chess skills, because it’s been eons since I’ve played. Maybe I can convince Hercules that this game of strategy and skill is far more exciting than video games.

Small miracles

2005-12-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks at school for Hercules. Some bad habits have resurfaced and I've been getting a lot of phone calls from teachers lately. He's generally just rude, disrespectful, and disruptive. We had an appointment with his counselor on Friday, so she worked with him on these age-old issues of his. I think part of the problem was that he hadn't seen her in a month, since she had to cancel his last appointment and we weren't able to reschedule it. Plus, he's been fighting a cold lately and the drowsiness that colds bring results in a very short fuse for young Hercules.

These factors all come into play, but we've also been emphasizing the fact that no matter what, he has to learn to control his reactions to certain situations. Self-control has been a major theme with Hercules lately, and, according to previous experience, he should get the hang of it in about 2 years if we're consistent.

Just yesterday I received a call from the school librarian informing me that Hercules had given her the finger. He didn't like it when she sent him to the Safe Spot for making fart noises during reading time. She was very understanding about it when she spoke to me. Apparently, she has boys as well and she feels my pain. My favorite part was when she said, "If I had known that parenting was going to be so hard, I would have put that damned diaphragm in!"

Amen, sister!

So last night Hercules got a good talking-to (I'm a very verbose lecturer, poor kid) and several consequences were imposed. First, he did 10 push-ups. Then I took away his computer and TV privileges until Thursday night. And only if he's well-behaved at school between now and then will he regain his privileges. Finally, he'll be doing my chores for me until Wednesday. His first assignment was to scoop dog poop in the backyard, which did not thrill him. But that's the whole point and he doesn't seem to get it: punishments are supposed to be unpleasant. I explained to him that all the other punishments I've doled out previously obviously weren't unpleasant enough to deter him from misbehaving, so his punishments will become increasingly unpleasant until he figures out how to treat people, especially teachers, with proper courtesy and respect. I don't think it's too much to ask of a first-grader to refrain from flipping off the librarian.

Today my cell phone rang again and since I am now very familiar with the school's phone number, I groaned when I saw it come up on my screen. I answered it hesitantly and this time I heard a new voice on the other end. I wondered which member of the staff Hercules had cussed out this time.

Turns out it was the school nurse. Something about falling off the playground equipment and bumping his head. I wanted to ask her if he cussed anyone out when that happened, but then I realized that I was supposed to be concerned. Most parents would be when they hear a head injury report, but not me. If the skull's not cracked and there's no major blood loss, don't bother me. My kid bashes his head against walls for FUN! What's another bump or two? I'm just ecstatic that nobody got the finger today.

Holiday Concert

2005-12-13T19:23:00.000-08:00

Holiday Concert 3

Here's Hercules at his school's Holiday Concert last night. I bet you can't tell which one is him;)

More on flickr.

Weekend Recap

2005-12-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

Life with Hercules has been pretty good lately. This weekend we experienced some ups and downs, but that sort of fluctuation is the norm for our beloved Hercules. Saturday with The Kids was kinda rough, especially later on in the day. Hercules, El and I sat down to play a card game and Herc wanted to learn it with us. So we played a practice hand and explained the rules and coached him when necessary. Unfortunately, as the game progressed he became increasingly upset whenever he tried to make a play that was not allowed. As I tried to calmly explain to him why you can't do that in this game, he would proceed to yell at me, refusing to accept the rules as I stated them, even when El backed me up. I tried giving him some push-ups to do, hoping that would persuade him to turn down the volume and chill out, but it didn't make any difference. I finally got fed up with his overblown reactions and I kicked him out of the game. This totally devastated him, and his weepy promises to stop yelling and play by the rules softened me up, so I promised him one more chance. I figured this time he would take my warning seriously, since I had demonstrated my willingness to oust him from the game. Alas, it wasn't long before he resumed his argumentative bellowing, so this time I kicked him out for good. He demonstrated his displeasure by kicking the table and whatever furniture his short little legs could reach. For that, he was sent to his room.

By then he was so pissed off that he was in a near-meltdown state, but at least it never got that ugly. I made a deal with him in which he was grounded to his room until dinner time (about an hour away), and as long he remained in his room with the door shut without any fuss, he could come out at dinnertime and then watch a movie afterwards with everyone else. However, if he proceeded to spend his time in his room throwing things at the door, smashing toys, or screaming insults at me through the closed door(as is often the case), he would be sent to bed immediately after dinner. That's the sort of bargaining that motivates Hercules, because otherwise he would succumb to his darkest impulses. And it was effective, for he sat quietly looking at his books for the next hour and he was able to join us for the movie.

The movie, however, was not such a success. My husband chose March of The Penguins for our family entertainment that night. The Kids had requested The Fantastic Four, so you can imagine what their disappointment. It was funny, actually, listening to their sarcastic remarks:

"Gee, I can't wait to watch a bunch of penguins marching!"
"Wow! Have you guys ever seen marching penguins?? I bet it's real exciting how the penguins march!"

So the marching penguins did not engage our uber-hip, action-craving youngsters. They apparently cannot bring themselves to view anything that doesn't feature wisecrack humor and fast-paced action. So Pa and I enjoyed the Penguin movie on our own while the kiddies entertained themselves in the next room. But all six of them managed to do so without any quarrels! Let's just say that Hercules is not the only child prone to argumentative bellowing, so this is the sort of miracle that does not go unnoticed in our household.

Sunday was a much better day for Hercules. As usual, I spent the morning doing housework and he was left to his own devices. He managed to amuse himself very well for the whole morning and I got all of my work done. I promised him that after lunch I would read to him from his new Rugrats comic book that he got from school. So after lunch I fulfilled my obligation and he was pleased. But then I had to work on Christmas projects, so once again he had to amuse himself without the benefit of the television or the computer. Meanwhile, I was on the phone with my mom. I asked him if he wanted to talk to Papa when I was done, and he said yes. While he waited for me and mom to finish, he went into his room. I heard him talking quietly to himself in his bed, and I smiled. That's what Hercules does before he falls asleep, and sure enough, he was in dreamland in a matter of minutes.

It may seem extraordinary for a hyperactive kid like Hercules to put himself down for a nap without any prompting whatsoever, but interestingly enough it's not so rare as you might imagine. Hercules requires a lot of sleep, and afternoons have been difficult for him ever since they ceased the naptime routine in Kindergarten. That's been my primary lament since his school days began. If only Hercules had a full 2 hours to wind down after lunch and catch some Zz's, life would be better for everyone. Sunday afternoon after his nap he was the picture of courtesy and cooperation! We even took him to the Chinese buffet for dinner, and his manners were impeccable. In addition, Hercules discovered that Beef Teriyaki is his new favorite food. He became quite enamored with the whole buffet concept as well. As we were leaving the restaurant, he spotted our waitress clearing a table and called out to her "Hey, the food here is GREAT! You guys should be FAMOUS!"

Someday, maybe I'll take him out for Chinese where the food hasn't been under heat lamps for an indeterminate amount of time. But not for a while yet. I don't want to spoil his enjoyment of the Chinese buffet.

I GOT THE JOB!!

2005-12-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

I know, you're wondering "What job?" I've been keeping quiet on this because I didn't want to jinx myself. But my supervisor resigned recently and I applied for his position, and they offered me the job on Friday. This is a significant promotion for me, so you’ll excuse me while I shout WOOHOOOOO!

But now you ask, "Friday?? Today is Monday! Why has it taken you so long to share this exciting news?"

All I can say, Internet, is that life comes before blogging. And it just so happens that we had already secured a babysitter for Friday night so Pa and I could go see The Reverend Horton Heat at The Blue Note. That made it easy for us to celebrate, and I was prepared to get wild on the dance floor. Alas, this was my first time seeing The Reverend, and I had no idea what was in store for me. Meanwhile, my mother is reading this and wondering when I started going to church on Friday nights (or at all, for that matter) and what is this Blue Note Church? Click the links, mom, and keep praying for your heathen daughter;)

So there I was on a Friday night dressed in a baseball shirt, a micro mini skirt and combat boots, ready to get wild. The dance floor was standing room only, and looking around I recognized some of my stepdaughter's friends, including one of Hercules' Adventure Club instructors. This might make some people feel old, but not me. It just affirms my youthful spirit! The energy in the room was high, and I was eager to get my groove on. While we waited, Pa asked me how I felt about moshing.

"Moshing? Do people mosh to rockabilly?"

Ah, famous last words.

Sure enough, they do mosh to rockabilly! Or rather, punkabilly. Now, I used to date guys that would wear their moshpit-blackened eyes like badges of honor, but I never did get the whole appeal of moshing. It's like a barroom brawl without the chairs and it doesn’t matter who you’re mad at, you just throw punches wildly. It's just one big, happy, angry mob of flailing fists and flinging bodies and I guess some people think that's fun. I am not one of those people.

I am, however, a good sport. While I tried my best to dance without elbowing everyone around me, the moshing kids frequently moshed in my direction. I learned to simply hold up my hands and shove them back into the moshing mayhem. They didn't seem to mind, so I kept shoving whenever a body flung itself in my direction. I had a relatively safe spot on the perimeter of the mosh pit, so aside from the occasional runaway mosher, I managed to avoid getting punched, elbowed, or trampled. Which is more than I can say for the moshers themselves. I did, however, get a lot of beer spilled on me. Which was okay, because everyone on the dance floor was inevitably baptized in yeasty brews, so our stench was just another sign of our fellowship. We came! We moshed! We stink!

Despite the adventures we were having at the edge of the moshpit, the confines of the dance floor could only contain so much activity, and it was not at all conducive to actual dancing. It was mosh or be crushed, there was no middle ground. We made our way upstairs and watched the show from the balcony for a while so we could gawk at all those crazy kids from a safe distance. Finally, the music and the moshing just seemed kind of repetitive, so we left and that was the end of our celebration. The Reverend puts on a great show, don't get me wrong. But my youthful spirit can only endure so much youthful madness. And moshing is madness, however entertaining it may be for the bystanders.

Long live the weekend

2005-11-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hikers

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving. Ours was perfect, much too perfect for me to sneak away and be an antisocial blogger, so I’m sorry I wasn’t here to wish everyone well for the holiday. Though I may not be a very punctual or devoted blogger, I am most certainly thankful for my devoted readers. It’s nice to know there’s someone else out there, paying attention. Thanks:)

We didn’t have the kids on Thanksgiving Day, so it was the three of us plus three friends. Unfortunately, none of the three friends brought children along, so Hercules was a bit disappointed. All the same, he behaved himself well all day. It was relaxing and pleasant, and it was great to play hostess to good friends. I noticed that I’m finally beginning to feel at home in my home. I know that sounds strange, but home is the center of my universe, and having a home that I feel good about means a great deal to me. It’s taken a while to make this house feel like home, but I’m starting to feel it lately. When I have that, I love to share my home with friends. No big party crowds, mind you. I don’t care for crowds, especially in my home. But add a handful of fun folks to our household and the entertainment just comes naturally.

I should also mention that the biggest reason that I was so relaxed and content on Thanksgiving was because my husband did ALL THE COOKING. Did you know that I’ve never cooked a turkey? Or roasted, fried, basted, or whatever it is you do to turkeys these days, I’ve never done any of it. I’ve been a vegetarian for over 10 years now, and somehow I managed to avoid preparing a Thanksgiving dinner in all that time. I’ve been spoiled by my mother, my sister-in-law, and now my husband.

My husband! That man of mine single-handedly served a smoked turkey, shrimp jambolaya, mashed potatoes with gravy, corn muffins, a decadent relish tray consisting of marinated olives, roasted bell peppers, baby corn, gerkins, pickled white asparagus and cauliflower, and finally for dessert, chocolate bread pudding. Does he ROCK or what?

Technically I’m actually a flexitarian anymore, not strictly vegetarian at all. I eat fish and seafood regularly, and I will eat poultry on special occasions, like Turkey Day for instance. I’m hoping next year we’ll be able to afford an organic bird, so I can partake entirely guilt-free.

As for my meditation routine, it’s working out nicely so far. Today is the first day that I haven’t done it at all, and Hercules has done it with me twice so far. The first time he was more resistant than I anticipated, but he went along with it however reluctantly. The second time he was much more complacent about it, and remained very quiet throughout. The past 2 days all the kids have been here so I haven’t tried to force it when there’s so much activity in the house. Yesterday morning I was meditating in my room while Hercules played an infinite loop of “WE WILL ROCK YOU” on my computer, enhanced by our new and improved speakers, by the way. Not exactly soothing music to still the mind by, but surely I gleaned something productive from several minutes of deep breathing.

Judging by the quality of my weekend with a houseful of kids, I’d say it’s the best medicine. Tonight I promised everyone a dance party, so I need to get going on a bootilicious playlist in iTunes.

Until next time, rock on earthlings. May the groove be with you.

Zen Parenting

2005-11-22T08:12:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a recommendation from Buddha Mama, I've been reading Zen Parenting: The Art of Learning What You Already Know. Rather, I just barely started reading this book and I'm already reaping the benefits. In my case, the "learning what you already know" part really hits home. The introduction alone has served to remind me that I need to be present in each moment, and that a few minutes of quiet meditation every day will help me do that.

I definitely have a tendency to obsess about my plans - what's going to happen, what could happen, what should happen, how I can make it happen and what I will do if it doesn't happen. This is the opposite of being in the moment, or mindful awareness. Clearly, I need to devote more time to meditation. Because it is also clear that my bad habits are taking a toll on my peace of mind. I've been stressed out and emotionally frazzled and I swear I haven't always been this way! And I can't blame it on motherhood or stepparenting or marriage anymore. I am responsible for my own happiness, or lack thereof. I gotta get a grip!!

So. Starting yesterday, I've been spending just 5 or 10 minutes each morning in quiet meditation. Mornings are usually a bit rushed for Hercules and I, but this week is different. This week I don't have to drop him off at school before I leave for work, because the before/after-school program is closed for Thanksgiving break. Luckily, Pa is off all week so he's been transporting the warrior for me. This gives me quite a bit more time in the morning, and allows Hercules to sleep in just a little longer. So for the past couple of days it has been possible for me to set aside those extra 10 minutes. After this week, though, I'm going to have to be more diligent in order to make that happen. However, I also want to include Hercules, in which case I will start with 3 minutes of quiet meditation before we leave the house. Three minutes is a realistic goal for him, and I really believe that he will benefit from it for the entire day. More importantly, I think that establishing that as part of his daily routine will yield great benefits for him for the rest of his life.

Hercules has been exposed to the idea of meditation before, so I think he will be receptive to it. It is something that they talk about in Tae Kwon Do. At the beginning and end of each class, the instructor has all the students sit on the mat and close their eyes and reflect on what they've learned and what they want to learn. This moment of quiet only lasts about a minute or so, but it's sufficient for his age group.

Also, Hercules and I have talked about meditation before, when we take our Sunday hikes. We were following the Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents, and Sunday is the day in which we delight in the wonders and beauty of nature, remind ourselves that with God anything is possible, and take some time for quiet meditation. Hercules asked me about what meditation means, and I told him that it's like praying, except that when you pray, you are talking to God. When you meditate, you listen quietly so you can hear God talking to you.

I haven't been following my own advice. I haven't been paying attention. But it's never too late to change:)

Mutiny in the Classroom

2005-11-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

Rockin' 3

Late last week it was parent-teacher conference night, and I spoke with all of Hercules' teachers. Everyone remarked on how much his behavior has improved since last year, and that was encouraging! We talked about the areas that he still needs to work on, but overall it was a very positive and productive conference. Hurray for Hercules!

I also got some more details on what went down during the 2 days that Hercules' teacher was out and they had substitutes. I knew that Hercules had been implicated in multiple offenses, but what I did not know was that the list of kids who were NOT implicated was very, very short. Basically, neither sub was able to command any order in the classroom on either day, and it was an all-out mutiny. In which case we can hardly expect our little Hercules to be the one sitting quietly in his chair. On the contrary, under such circumstances I would only expect Hercules to be leading the rebellion.

I mean, imagine a room full of small children in which the balance between order and chaos is always rather delicate, and only to be tipped in favor of order by the most skilled professional. Then, imagine what happens when a less capable adult attempts to lead this small, unpredictable army of squirming youngsters, but her ineptitude is detected early and exploited mercilessly by the young army. And there in the midst of it all is one budding young warrior with boundless energy who finds himself repeatedly condemned because he simply cannot sit still in his chair. He earnestly tries to explain to the new general that he's always been allowed to stand up and move around the room at will, but the frowning new general is suspicious and orders him to remain silent. Of course the young warrior will feel indignant and unfairly condemned, and woe, woe to the new general! She has sealed her fate, for mutiny is inevitable once the wrath of Hercules has been unleashed.

Future substitute teachers, choose your battles!

This week will be a short week for everyone, and we're looking forward to a quiet, restful Thanksgiving holiday. I look forward to Thanksgiving just as much as I dread the over-hyped commercial frenzy that is Christmas. If it weren't for the children, I would opt out of the whole thing and organize protests at the mall or something.

*Sigh.* I must really love those kids.

It's all in the family

2005-11-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hercules, with a mouth full of half-chewed pizza: Can I have a sip of your root beer?

Alemena: Sure you can, after you swallow your food!

Hercules: What difference does that make?

Alemena: I don't want your backwash.

Hercules: But we're eating the same thing!

Alemena: What difference does that make? I don't want your backwash.

Hercules: I don't get it.

Hercules turns Seven!

2005-11-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

Hercules & Elsa

Here is one of the only photos I took of Hercules on his birthday. No photos of him blowing out his candles on his oh-so-chocolate cake, no photos of him opening his presents (because then everyone would see that I, um, don't wrap presents). This is it! I did, however, take lots of photos of my stepchildren in the midst of all the fun. Because I don't need to prove to anyone that Hercules had a good birthday. But some people need proof that my stepchildren weren't locked in a closet somewhere, being force fed head lice. Or something.

So rest assured that it was a grand birthday and fun was had by all! We went to the pool, we ate pizza, we made sugary treats and dressed up like puppy dogs! See! Fun!

Among the whole crowd, the most popular gifts were the skateboard, the punching bag, and the metal detector. The inflatable punching bag sprung a leak in the first 24 hours of its life, from all the abuse inflicted on it by all 6 kids. I think it's good therapy, though, so I'll be sure to patch it up before they come again next weekend.

I also had a hard time convincing Hercules that he couldn't skateboard and metal-detect at the same time, due to the potential for injury to himself and the shiny new metal detector. Hercules was not convinced. He really thinks I'm just trying to ruin all his fun. He forgave me today, though, when I told him we'd be riding our bikes to the daycare. Because there's no school today! It was a fine, brisk morning for a bike ride and we both enjoyed it mightily, but once I got to work it wasn't long before the sky darkened and the wind picked up, so we may forego the bikes this afternoon.

With that, I'll end this post with Pink Floyd's most righteous ode to the most efficient form of transportation known to man, the bicycle:

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it.

When the little warrior is The Big Dog

2005-11-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

Cross-eyed

I'm running on a sugar buzz right now, thanks to the chocolate frosting I snarfed from my cupcake-baking adventure. Which I can do without guilt because I'm a hedon and that's what hedons do - they lick chocolate frosting out of the can in pure ecstasy. So I thought I'd channel all that fructose into something productive, like a blog post. Which I can do without guilt because I washed the dishes and put Hercules to bed already. Ha!

So I took Hercules to Tae Kwon Do tonight, as usual, and I was embarrassed for him, he was so rude. He continually voiced his annoyance over having to repeat the same patterns over and over again. His instructors have more patience with him than I do, I know that much. I would have had him on the floor doing push-ups for most of the class.

So I talked to his instructor near the end of the class, and we talked about moving Hercules up to a class with bigger, older kids. The problem right now is that Hercules is the biggest, strongest kid in his class and he has the highest belt rank. And that Hercules, he's getting cocky. Oh lord, it's shameful to watch. We both agreed that he needs to be humbled just a little, and that he would really learn more if he were in a class with kids who are mostly older and more advanced than he is. Not to mention that he is also just plain bored, since he's well ahead of the other kids (who are mostly younger than him, or much less coordinated). Boredom is a very dangerous thing with young warriors. It brings out their worst mischief.

What Hercules needs are good role models, and right now, he is the role model for his class. This is a potentially volatile situation, because emulating Hercules is sure to produce utter chaos.

For instance, during their practice Hercules made it a point to shuffle closer and closer to the little girl in the row in front of him, so that by the end of each exercise he was practically on top of her. After class, I had a discussion with him about annoying people. Because, ironically, Hercules has precious little patience for other kids who aggravate him. You might even say that he has a tendency to violently overreact to even the most benign pranks played on him. This has, in fact, been the primary reason for most of his problems in school of late - one kid does something silly somewhere in his vicinity and Hercules flips his shit. So I pointed this out to him tonight, and he actually admitted that if another kid had done what he did to that little girl, he would've been pissed. Well, in so many words. I'm paraphrasing!

That admission was a big step for Hercules. Now let's hope that he can remember that the next time some unsuspecting child starts singing the Barney song too loud for his taste.

Turn that frown upside down

2005-11-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

Rockin' Hercules

Things seem to be getting back to normal for Hercules this week. By that I mean he was suspended from Adventure Club for 2 days. His offense was pretty serious, and the punishment was appropriate. In addition, he's had a substitute teacher for the past 2 days as well. As you may have guessed, Hercules and subs don't mix well. Which just goes to show how much of a difference his amazingly gifted and infinitely patient teacher makes in his daily life. Bless her.

I just hope that neither of those subs ever becomes a full-time teacher. On both days I had to pick up Hercules from school (being suspended from the after-school program and all), and both times I came to the classroom, each sub frowned at me and declared, "Hercules had very bad day today!"

Thanks for that! That's just so helpful and informative. Makes we want to frown in return and say, "And I suppose YOU didn't have anything to do with that?"

Which of course I do not, I just sigh and walk away. I really have no desire to get more information from them. I know exactly what a Bad Hercules Day looks like, thank you very much. And chronically frowning adults certainly aren't going to make a bad day any better, wench. Not to mention that their solution is to take away his recess. They might as well just put the warrior in a padded room for a day if they're going to deny him recess! It's like keeping a puppy in a cage all day and being indignant when he can't sit still. Fools!

The recess issue is one that his teacher, Mrs. B, and I have spoken about in the past. She agrees that recess is pretty critical for Hercules, but unfortunately, when Hercules is with his other teachers - art, music, PE - that is generally their only prescription for bad behavior. She's in a position where's she obliged to carry out their sentence. But since she's so wise and wonderful, rather than make Hercules sit out his recess (or the length of time, usually 10 minutes, that he is expected to give up), she has him walk up and down a line painted on the blacktop. So at least he's moving around for that time.

Mrs. B called me after her first day out to talk about Hercules' day, as well as to prepare him for the fact that she would be out again the following day. Isn't she wonderful?? I love her! I mentioned that the sub had taken away both his recesses, and asked if there was something else that could be done. Although she was completely sympathetic, apparently she doesn't have much of say in how discipline is administered in her absence. She did say that she has raised this issue at meetings, because Hercules isn't the only high-energy kid who suffers from this policy. Basically, when you deny recess for any high-energy kid, you're just shooting herself in the foot because it just makes that kid even rowdier in the classroom. Duh. It sounds like the school is somewhat stuck on this problem, so she has improvised with her walking-the-line solution (here's to Johnny!). Maybe she can pass that on to her sub? I wasn't too clear on that.

So although it's been a rocky week for the little warrior, I've been trying to keep his spirits up. He tends to fall into despair very easily when he gets into this kind of trouble, and I don't want to see his self-confidence plummet after we've worked so hard to rebuild it since his Kindergarten ordeal. It's a delicate balancing act - trying to administer appropriate discipline without making him feel worse than he already does. But this past year has given me lots of practice, and I feel as though I've succeeded quite well this week. And even though I started off this post with a rather cynical statement about what is "normal" for Hercules, I have to say that this week is a milestone precisely because he hasn't been in this much trouble all year. So really, this is a reminder to me that although Hercules is still a warrior child, he's also grown up a lot and made some huge strides in just the last few months, and I really couldn't be more pleased.

Now, I've got to plan to some fun and surprises for young Hercules, because his birthday is this Saturday. Weeeee!

Better News!

2005-11-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

Ninja

Trevor's home! He responded very well to his treatment and now he's out of the hospital and doing great. Hurray Trevor!

Here's a photo of Hercules at Halloween, as promised. We did the bulk of our trick-or-treating downtown, where the local businesses hand out candy. The best part every year is at the store shown here, My Secret Garden. The always stage elaborate skits for the kids, and this year it was Little Shop of Horrors. They had a giant carnivorous plant, and at the end when it howled "Feed me, Seymour!" the kids were told to toss candy into his mouth and run for their lives! And of course they got some candy to keep, too.

Meanwhile, Pa stayed home to hand out candy, when in fact he frightened away most of the neighborhood kiddies with his spooky antics. He put his PA system in the front window and plugged in his mic, and proceeded to taunt anyone who came near with the house with promises of "Treats! Come, my pretties! I have treats for you! MwaaHaaaHaaHaHa!"

It was awesome! I love Halloween:)

The Good News

2005-11-01T09:29:00.000-08:00

Trevor

I have a beautiful new nephew! This is Trevor Harley, and he was born on Saturday to my brother and sister-in-law. Welcome to the family, little Trevor!

Here's the bad news: Trevor is in the hospital today for internal bleeding. They suspect a possible vitamin K deficiency, and let's hope they're right because that is treatable and he'll be back in action in no time. But we are all very concerned about the little guy, and his poor mom and dad are pretty heart-broken to see their new baby boy in rather dire condition. So please, if you would, pray to whichever entity you see fit and send some blessings to Trevor. He wants to come home.

Drama-free Zone

2005-10-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm happy to report that there will be no lawsuits or court battles or official nastiness. The kids are already asking to come to our house, and Pa bought them all Halloween costumes this week. But you can be sure that when we see them next, we'll be having some discussions about trust and honesty.

I've learned a couple of lessons from this ordeal. First, I need to stop letting my husband's ex get to me. Experience shows that she likes to stir up emotions and create conflicts, but she seldom follows through on her worst threats (even when she does, her lawyer has more sense than she does). I can't give her power over my own happiness. Second, I need to be more relaxed about my relationship with my stepkids. I started out on really good footing with them, but lately I've been pushing more discipline on them and I don't think they're ready for that. I need to back off and let my husband handle the discipline whenever possible. Finally, both Pa and I need to establish some clear house rules so there is no longer any question as to what the expectations are for all children at our house, including Hercules.

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't discuss my stepchildren. I finally violated this rule due to my building frustrations and need to VENT. Unfortunately, the issues surrounding my stepchildren have been consuming most if not all of my emotional energies for this past year. It has been the biggest single strain on my marriage. I have considered divorce on more than one occasion solely due to my inability to cope with my stepkids and their mother. Fortunately, my husband is willing to do the hard work when it comes to communicating and negotiating a peace. He often encourages me to get away on weekends when the kids come over, single-handedly taking on all 6 kids on his own, without even flinching. I am lucky to have him.

My stepkids challenge me because the primary influence in their lives is their mother, and she is an extremely dysfunctional individual. Divorce and remarriage are hard on kids and I didn't expect this adjustment to be easy for them. But I know that she is only making it more difficult by encouraging them to rebel against their father as well as myself. In their eyes, their mother is a saint and their father is the cause of all their troubles. She is building a steady campaign of anger and resentment towards him. She subscribes to a victim complex in which it is better to assign blame and feign helplessness than to take responsibility for your situation and actively seek to improve on it. Therefore, when I try to impose my values on her children, they only resent me more because I actually hold them responsible for their choices. It's very difficult for me to accept the fact that I have very little control over how they choose to see their world and interact with others. I am already witnessing the pychological damage that she is inflicting on her kids, and I only foresee more deep-seated emotional issues for them, and the fact that I may not be able prevent it drives me to insanity.

I am a problem-solver. I like to take a bad situation and make it better. I'm very, very good at it, too. I'm beginning to think that the big lesson for me here is that control is an illusion. Some things are simply beyond my power to control, and I need to accept that without giving in to despair. Lately, I have been giving in far too much to despair when really, this is only one small aspect of my life. There are so many good things in my life that I'm grateful for, I really shouldn't allow a singular issue to blot out the rest.

So with that, I will return to our regularly scheduled programming of tales of Hercules. I'm happy to report that life with Hercules has been pretty quiet these days. He's starting to look like your everyday, happy little boy. I must be doing something right! So let's leave all the drama behind and resume our Herculean anecdotes, shall we? I've got more good news to share, so I need to wrap up this post and start a new post for the good stuff.

Here's a photo I took of Hercules on the trail this weekend. I'll be posting some more in the next week or so. Oh, and guess what Hercules is going to be for Halloween? A ninja, of course! Photos of that soon to come, too!

Troubles

2005-10-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough couple of days around here lately, but I'm in better spirits today. The whole head lice/haircut drama escalated to an absurd level of insanity. Basically, the children's mother seems to think that her kids were already lice-free and that I cut her daughter's hair JUST TO SPITE HER. Which she considers child abuse. Yep. And oh yeah, she said that I'm creating a hostile environment for her children. So they won't be staying with us for a while.

Now the lawyers will decide if her claims have any merit. It's very unlikely, but I'm rather cynical when it comes to the justice system, and family law in particular.

What really breaks my heart is that the kids backed up their mother's story, even after I showed them the live, wriggling lice that I plucked from their heads. I guess physical evidence wasn't convincing enough, at least not compared to her brainwashing. I wish I had thought to take some pictures of those lice. Stupid lice. Like I have nothing better to do on a Saturday morning than to spend 3 hours plucking imaginary lice from a child's head that isn't even mine.

OK, I should probably shut up now because anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law. I don't know if she reads this blog, or rather, if she knows about it. Because if she knows about it then she most certainly reads it.

Smile and wave!!

So if my blog is mysteriously shut down without warning, it's probably because I'm consumed in a nasty court battle. More than likely though, all this will blow over and life will resume it's usual insanity. As opposed to this warped insanity.

Hormones, head lice, haircuts, and rabies

2005-10-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back, after a pretty rough weekend. Hormones and head lice conspired to bring all sorts of drama to my household. Because although we successfully eradicated the head lice from Hercules and our home, my stepkids are still passing them around. It's been four weeks now and their head lice show no signs of diminishing - on the contrary, they are multiplying with great success. So I decided it was time for my stepdaughter to get a haircut. That's when the drama ensued. But thanks to my calm, reasonable, non-hormonal husband, I was able to cut her hair and no physical force was required. Then I spent a good 4 hours plucking nits from her head. Once her head was clear of all signs of lice, her older sister brought her to the salon for a nice professional cut (hey, I can cut hair, I never said I was good at it). Oddly, in the end it was her younger brother, the other child still afflicted with lice, that was the most pissed off about his haircut (the boys got theirs all buzzed off). But on Sunday, we sent 4 children back to their mom lice-free. Instead of appreciation, though, we get scorn. Because you know, I didn't have permission to cut the girl's hair.

The worst part is, there is still one boy who probably has lice (he didn't come this weekend, not after he heard about the dreaded haircutting incident). So the lice will most likely continue to spread amongst the siblings and the entire drama would be repeated next weekend, only with a teenage boy. Except that my husband has finally agreed that if any of the kids still have lice, from now on they will have to stay at their mom's until they are clear. Because I simply refuse to have to treat my entire house for lice every goddamned weekend.

I am such a bitch.

Well, now that I have vented my frustrations, let me share a more fun-filled portion of my weekend. I spent Sunday morning with my oldest stepdaughter (she has a different mom from the younger 5), my other stepdaughter and one stepson. The oldest daughter, I'll call her The Director, has become very interested in film-making and is likely to pursue this field when she starts college next year. Currently she is working on a few short films, one of which is a horror flick about a woman who gets rabies and tries to murder her children. Guess who got to play the rabid mother? Yep! I sure did!

It was actually quite fun, and definitely a good way for my younger stepdaughter and I to enjoy some time together and put all the drama behind us. Even though my character did end up bludgeoning her with a croquet mallet, it was all in good fun. And in the end, her brother got to push me into a freezing cold lake and knock me out with said croquet mallet. Perhaps that was cathartic for him as well. I sure hope so, because DAMN that lake was cold! Now we're all looking forward to seeing the finished product, once The Director gets through with post-production. From what I've seen of her previous work, it should be excellent.

Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to brag just a little bit, because this was not my first appearance on film, oh no. I did make a brief appearance in a certain zombie musical, but that's hardly worth the bragging rights. I'd much rather brag about my husband, because he plays one of the starring roles in that film, as Arthur the Serial Killer/Zombie Slayer. And he is SO sexy dancing with an ax!

Rio & Stanley

2005-10-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

Rio & Stanley

I'm way behind so here's an old photo of Rio with a friend of ours. Click on the photo to learn more about Stan. He's a cool guy.

All's well around here, just busy as ever. I'll try to get back on the blogging wagon soon!

New Look

2005-10-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

OK, after some technical difficulties (blogger ERG!), the new design is up and running. Tell me what you think!

Oh, and I haven't even looked at the comments template yet, but oh well. Someday when I migrate away from blogger to my own domain, I will be more particular. For now, this is at least an improvement. Or at least I like to think so:)

Eating Crow

2005-09-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

I happened upon a really amazing parenting story yesterday via finslippy, and I am seriously humbled. To sum it up, it is one mother's account of her decision to put her son on Ritalin. And I applaud her wholeheartedly. But you really should read her whole story, because it's extremely honest and well-written and dammit, it made me cry.

Which makes me realize that I need to be aware of my prejudices and more careful about my judgments. Although I'm still not convinced that Hercules would be better off with Ritalin, that doesn't mean that there aren't children out there who have benefitted from meds, and many parents are experiencing a whole new level of joy in parenting because of it.

And now there's this nagging voice inside of me that is wondering if I am denying my son the benefits of a normal life by not considering medication. It's a shadow of a doubt, but it's there. When I look at all the progress that he's made without meds, I am encouraged. Then again, our struggles are far from over. In spite of all our coaching and therapy, the one thing that has not diminished whatsoever is Rio's absolute lack of impulse control. None. Zero. Zilch. That is why taking him to the grocery store is such a harrowing ordeal. Or why I would rather miss out on various social functions and local events than to try and bring Hercules along. Because it's just not worth the aggravation. And yes, I'm sorry to say that I do harbor some resentment for that and no, I'm not proud of it. And can I just say that I'm very, very tired of people telling me, Sure, just bring him along! There'll be other kids there! It's not a big deal! And then they are so, so sorry they ever said that. Because Hercules is just not like those other calm, cooperative, well-behaved children. And I really don't need another reason to feel like the worst parent in the room. And dammit, I'm crying all over again!

It seems that second-guessing goes hand-in-hand with motherhood. My objection to meds is that first, I suspect that ADD/ADHD are over-diagnosed and used as a crutch for lazy parents, overworked teachers, and pharmophile doctors (yes, I just made that word up). Second, I wonder if medicating a child teaches him not to take responsibility for his behavior, and to develop a life-long chemical dependency. I like to believe that Hercules will be more empowered in the long run if he learns to regulate his emotions and behavior on his own. I've already accepted the fact that this is going to be the more difficult option, versus meds, but I like to think the long-term pay off will be worth it. That remains to be seen.

However, I have already allowed myself the possibility that meds may be an option a couple of years down the road IF all our other interventions don't yield any measurable results. I'm still clinging to the hope that a lot of Rio's issues are related to emotional immaturity, and it's very likely that he'll grow out of it someday. But let me be clear, if he's 10 years old and I still cannot take him to the grocery store without, ahem, medicating myself first - you bet your ass I'll put him on meds.

I think the lesson to be learned from all this is that we all need to stop judging parents, particularly mothers, who may choose to do things differently than we do. Because there is no single technique that works for all children. Every child is unique, and some are far more challenging than others for a variety of reasons. So the next time you see a kid kicking and screaming on the floor in the grocery store, don't shake your head and roll your eyes. Instead, say a little prayer for the kid and the mom. They need all the blessings they can get.

Breaking

2005-09-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Breaking

I know this is a crappy photo, but it does show Hercules breaking a board with his hand. Yep! That's my Mighty Hercules! He took his belt test for his yellow stripe on Saturday, his first test since beginning Tae Kwon Do in the spring. He did great, although he did show some nervousness at times. At the end, all the students of every belt rank had an opportunity to get graded for breaking, as in breaking a board with either their foot or their hand, or both. Hercules was particularly impressed with one fellow who did a flying sidekick and broke 4 boards. Dude! I didn't actually expect Rio to try it, since this is not something that they've ever done in his class. But they gave him a shot at it, and of course Hercules wasn't about to pass up a chance to break something! With his bare hands!

While all the other students carefully did several practice maneuvers before they actually attempted their break, Rio had other ideas. Well, at first he was more careful about his kick, making sure his foot would hit the center of board. On the third try he actually gave it his full force and it snapped in two. I think that gave him such a rush that he saw no need to practice on his hand break. As soon as they set up his board on the concrete blocks, he gave it one swift CHOP! and it was history. Which is why the photo above is so blurry. I really didn't expect him to do it right that instant. Silly me.

Now the only problem is that Hercules sees every flat, wooden object as a target. We took him downtown to the Festival of the Arts on Saturday and he was trying to take out all the sign boards with the handy maps. We quickly established some ground rules on the breaking of wood.

In other news, I got my first not-so-good report from Rio's teacher this week. He's apparently been rather "argumentative and disrespectful." Ah yes, the dark side of Hercules. He can be one defiant little sh*t, that little love of mine. I just finished a long email to her with some suggestions. But whenever I write those letters (because this was not the first, oh no), I feel as though my suggestions seem pretty weak. Like "try to approach him as an advocate, not an adversary", or "try to prevent his frustrated outbursts before they happen." Duh. And as if that were so simple! As if that didn't require constant vigilance! The truth is, I'm always humbled whenever a teacher asks me how to deal with Rio's herculean behavior, as if I had all the answers! HA! I've always been hoping that these professionals - teachers, principals, counselors - would teach me a thing or two. You know, a Magic Formula for turning even the most defiant, aggressive warrior child into a submissive, compliant happy learner! Hurray!

But then I realize, there is a Magic Formula. It's called Ritalin. And then I realize, I wouldn't change my Hercules for a happy learner EVER. Well, ok, maybe I've had my weak moments. But not today!

Oh, and one last thing. I had to share this bit of comedy, because you can't be too careful these days.

Ideas brewing

2005-09-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

A coworker sent me a link to this article today, and I just wanted to pass it along, since it seems to be a growing problem. The gist of it is that more and more children are being expelled from their preschools for behavior that isn't all that out of the ordinary for kids that age.

Although Hercules was never expelled from a preschool, he had plenty of problems during those years. In fact, the first place he went to when he was 2 was a home-based childcare arrangement, and after a few months the woman very politely asked me to find another place for Rio, saying he was just "too much" for her to handle anymore, and she had more infants in her care than previously. His next daycare gave me a lot of grief because he wasn't potty-trained on their schedule. It was highly reminiscent of this portion of the article:

Kyle DeNigris, 5, had exhibited some aggressive tendencies before arriving at Kangaroo's Korner a few years back. Mom Raquel says that at his previous center, Kyle was placed with younger children because he wasn't yet potty-trained. As a result, "he was bored, and so he acted out," she says.

Potty-training Hercules was a long, laborious process and no one wanted to see him out of diapers more than I did. But I was pretty sure that holding him back with smaller, slower, more fragile children wasn't the right answer. Fortunately, I moved away and we found a new preschool before the issue escalated. Unfortunately, his next preschool had their own way of dealing with discipline problems: pinching.

Rio's preschool years were extremely difficult, and I was often meeting with his childcare providers on ways to deal with his behavior (we moved around a lot, which probably didn't help). They were always asking me for ideas as to how to handle him, while I was always hoping they could give me some pointers. I mean, they are supposed to be the professionals! I'm at my wit's end here, people! His last preschool, a Head Start Center, was more willing than anyone to work on a solution to his problems. They also warned me that Kindergarten was going to be tough for Hercules. That turned out to be a prophetic understatement.

Hercules has come a long way since then, but we still have more obstacles ahead. My experience has caused me to question the expectations we have for young children in schools, and the environment/society in which we are raising our kids. All this has recently prompted me to consider a possible project for the future, which seems rather unattainable at the moment, but one that I hope to pursue someday, somehow, depending on how the universe unfolds in the meanwhile. But I have been thinking about starting an after-school program for kids with behavioral problems, such as kids with ADD/ADHD. It would be a program based on outdoor activities, with play-centered learning opportunities as the focus. But there would be NO television, video games, or any activity that involved sitting still.

If I had more credentials as a child educator, I would consider opening a full-time school for such kids, but I have none. Even my credentials in Outdoor Education are shaky at best, but I think I could make a pretty good case for it. The other catch is that I don't just want to make this service available to upper middle class families who can afford to pay for after-school care. On the contrary, I want to be able to serve low-income kids who are most likely to get the shaft when it comes to special needs and services in public schools. But I also would like to get paid for my efforts, so I figure I'm looking at grant funding. Which means I need some credentials. This could get complicated.

Not to mention the fact that all of this involves me quitting my day job, relinquishing my benefits and becoming self-employed. Which is actually a very real goal of mine, but not one that I expect to be able to pull off nearly as soon as I would like. And what happens when my husband is ready to start his business? Then who will provide our health insurance? There are a lot of complications indeed. I've got a lot of research to do. We'll see if anything materializes. Wish me luck!

Dreaded Words . . .

2005-09-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

New Do

Head lice. Yep. I got a call from the school nurse yesterday. Hercules had 'em bad. It was pretty gross. And humiliating. How could I have missed them?? I'm the one who washes his hair! But it never occurred to me to look for them, and you really have to be looking for them, the nasty little critters.

Anyway, Hercules is now sporting a new do, and he seems pretty pleased with the results of the whole ordeal. The treatment was successful, and he's back at school today lice-free. Now I've got some laundry to do . . .

Here's another pic of Rio with his mohawk. The first one makes him look like he has no neck, but he had to have those bunny ears, so there it is. This next one is rather dashing, me thinks, even if it is a little dark. It was so much brighter on my Mac, I swear! If only everyone had a Mac, the world would be a happier place;)

Happy Learner?

2005-09-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while I was at the library I ran into the mother of one of Rio's former classmates. She asked about Rio and his new school (Rio is always well-known by everyone, everywhere he goes), and I told her the good news. The conversation progressed, and we talked about Rio's old school. I realized that she had no idea that Rio had been kicked out, and she was shocked when I told her. She then informed me that Jezebel, the other "problem child" in Rio's class, had been held back a year.

I wonder if they would have tried to hold Rio back, if he had stayed. Thank God he got out. Poor Jezebel.

This mom had a very high opinion of that school, so it was hard for her to believe my story. But her daughter is a Happy Learner (that principal's favorite buzz phrase - still makes me cringe), so she's never had any problems with the administration. She's never had to go to bat for her kid to keep her off meds or from getting expelled. But she did say that she has a son in preschool who's just the opposite of her daughter, i.e., more like Hercules, and she and her husband are already beginning to wonder how he'll fare in school. Let's just hope they teach him how to be a Happy Learner, or he won't last long, at least not at that school.

Meanwhile, young Hercules is still learning to resolve playground conflicts peacefully. Lately he seems to be suffering from a vigilante complex, in which he feels obligated to swoop in and rescue any child who's being manhandled by ruffians. Unfortunately, sometimes it's just a couple of kids playing around and no rescue is needed, so when Rio shows up all fire and brimstone, it's trouble. Even when the offense is real, Hercules hasn't yet mastered the art of nonviolent conflict resolution, either. Tact? No chance.

So when Hercules sees what he perceives as bullying, the perpetrator is usually wrestled to the ground in short order. And then Rio gets pretty pissed off when he's the one who has to sit out the rest of recess. His counselor and I have been teaching him alternative approaches, and slowly it seems to be sinking in. But it's going to take some time before Hercules learns to resist that instinct to whoop ass.

Not to mention what happens when Hercules is targeted by playground thugs. You know the type, they steal your ball away from you in the middle of your best game, they block the stairs to the playground equipment, they reek of anarchy! Yeah, thugs! And unfortunately, the thugs are wiser and more calculating than the very impulsive, though generally benign, Hercules. While the thugs never lay a hand on Hercules while they torment him ruthlessly, Hercules always throws the first punch. And those clever thugs, they go straight to the teacher. "HE HIT ME!!"

Which always gets a much more passionate response than, say, "Teacher, those kids won't let me play on the equipment!" Or, "Teacher, those kids stole my ball!" Because we've been trying to teach Hercules to get a teacher involved rather than taking matters into his own hands. However, this approach seldom works to Rio's satisfaction. He wants the bad guys to go to jail, every time. And he's tired of taking the rap for the bad guys. We've also been teaching him to "use his words" - you know, talk things over. No need to resort to aggression, this is not an international dispute! Let's talk about our problem and try to come up with a solution. This is a great theory, but in practice it absolutely requires the intervention of an adult. And on the playground there's never an adult around when you need one. Have you ever seen two six year olds try to talk through their problem? It's kinda like watching a political debate on Fox News. It quickly devolves into a screaming fit of name-calling. No, six-year-olds (not to mention many adults) just don't have the maturity. Not that that will stop me from teaching young Hercules this approach, mind you. God forbid he should grow up to be like Bill O'Reilly. I pity his mother.

But I digress. Of course it's worthwhile to teach these skills to Hercules, even though he may not be mature enough to implement them on his own yet, we're laying the groundwork. And despite these playground conflicts, Hercules has made great strides at school. I'm just pleased that he's able to succeed in the classroom for now. The rest will come in time.

OK, this day is nearly over and the weekend begins soon! Did I mention that Hercules and I rode our bikes to school today? And it was his idea? I've been resistant, because there are a some tall, steep hills on the way to his school, and I wasn't sure we could get there in time for me to make it to work. But it seemed worth a try, and so I agreed. And we made it! That's one more way we can save on gas:) Hurray for alternative transportation!

One last note: About commenting - I thought maybe I'd finally hit the big time when I received my first comment spam(at this post), but the novelty quickly wore off. I am now receiving instant comment spam as soon I post a new entry. Therefore, I have turned on that option where you have to type the letters shown in a little box. I apologize for the inconvience. A pox on the spammers and all of their progeny! Carry on.

Proudest Mama

2005-09-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to announce that my Hercules has been doing exceptionally well in first grade so far. My Hercules! YIPPPEEEEEE!!

I ran into his teacher yesterday when I picked him up from school, and she went on and on about how great he's doing overall. He's getting his work done, he's writing stories, he's working quietly, he's an angel!

I never thought I'd see the day. At least, not so soon. I'm BURSTING with pride here, people!

In other news, Rio was up riding his bike before sunrise again today. But the best part was when he decided to clean it up. He helped himself to a rag and some soapy water and went to work on it. A little while later he came back inside and said, "Hey Mama, you can come and admire my bike now!" Which of course I did, and yes, it was shiny.

Last of all, I wanted to catch you up on the latest with K. Some of you have made some great suggestions, so here's how it worked out.

I never actually spoke to K's mom, but I did finally run into K. We talked about what happened and he told me his mother had grounded him for a few days. I let him know that I wasn't angry with him because I knew that it had been an accident. But I wanted him to learn from that incident and so we talked about why rocks are dangerous when hurtling through the air anywhere around humans or animals. He was very agreeable, and everything is back to normal, whatever normal is.

1972 Schwinn

2005-09-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

1972 Schwinn

Thanks to Nana and Papa, Hercules got a new bike this weekend. Or at least, it's new to us. Because it is in fact one year older than I am. And it's the coolest bike!

Somehow we've suddenly become vintage bike collectors. It started when my neighbor offered me a bike that she never used, and I accepted. It turned out to be a 1976 English Raleigh in mint condition. It's beautiful and I've never enjoyed riding a bike as much as I do this one (and I have done a lot of biking). Then, as if that weren't enough, she pulls out another bike that she wants to get rid of - an old Schwinn Stingray, bright green and yellow with a banana seat. We gave that one to V, my middle stepson, because he was the only one without any bike whatsoever.

We had been trying for months to come up with enough bikes so that we could all go riding together as a family. After our neighbor gave us those two bikes, we had enough for all 8 of us and that was amazing! So we planned an afternoon ride on the MKT trail. All I had to do was to run down to the bike shop and get a new seat post for Rio's bike, which had been busted by his stepbrother. We had a seat for it, but the post was too big to fit in the frame and I figured it would be a simple replacement. But I figured wrong.

Two hours and two bikeshops later, I came home with a very sad excuse for a seat post. It turns out that seat posts and frames come in a bazillion sizes, and matching them can be very difficult if the parts are not manufactured by a major brand. Naturally, Rio's bike was a cheap department store variety (we got it from freecycle some time ago) and the parts were non-standard. The first bike shop couldn't help me, but they referred me to a used bike shop that just opened in town, and the kind gentleman there did his best to help me out. He at least found a post small enough to slide into the frame, but it was a loose fit and the seat rotated. I desperately asked him if we could just duct tape it or something so it would be good enough for now. So he shimmied the post with some aluminum from a soda can and then taped the rest. I brought it home to Rio, wondering how long it would last.

Well, the seat came loose about 10 minutes after we started our ride, when Rio attempted to navigate a steep downhill path with a sharp turn. He didn't make the turn and went flying into the underbrush. He emerged tearful but intact, and his seat was all askew. We straightened it out as best we could and he managed pretty well for the rest of the ride. But it was not a long-term solution.

I was getting very enthusiastic about our family bike trips, so I really wanted Rio to have a bike. And the one good thing to come out of my search for a seat post was my discovery of that used bike shop. The owner of the shop collects, sells, and trades vintage bikes, and he had some beauties. While he was messing with Rio's bike that day, I was telling him about our newly acquired classics and he oohed and aaahed appreciatively. And I had a chance to browse his selection, which included some very reasonably priced children's bikes.

Convincing Papa that Hercules should have a bike of his own was easy, but it took a little more persuasion to convince him that a Wal-mart bike was not the way to go. He was agreeable, though, and in the end even more generous than I hoped. Which I should really come to expect from him, since there's nothing he won't do for his Rio. So on Saturday we went back to the used bike shop and sure enough, we found the perfect bike, a 1972 Schwinn. In fact, we ended up buying 2 that day, one for Rio and another one for his next-oldest stepbrother, H, whose bike was much too small for him. So now Rio, H, and V are all sporting new classic bicycles, and they are beaming with pride. Now they want to ride their bikes all the time, which is great and I'm happy to encourage that activity anytime! In fact, this morning Rio was out of the house at 6 am, riding his bike in the empty parking lot across the street before I was even dressed.

Here's a pic of the boys on their bikes. Are they badass or what??

Follow up

2005-09-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

I wanted to follow up my last post with some more thoughts on the situation in my neighborhood, in general, and the situation with K, specifically.

Immediately after I took Rio inside to clean him up, one of the boys came to the window and told me that K's mother had showed up looking for him. I stepped outside to see if she was handy, but I only caught a glimpse of K on the sidewalk out front. Rio was still inside, wailing and bleeding, so I decided to deal with K and his mom later.

Later I became angry, not at K, but at his mother. K didn't mean to hurt Rio, it was an honest accident. When K's mother showed up I'm pretty sure the other kids filled her in on the incident because that's what kids do. Lots of blood impresses young boys and they love to retell that sort of story, especially when they're not culpable:) So I'm angry that she didn't immediately try to find out if Rio was okay and make K apologize. That's what I would have done, at least. And I think that's not too much to ask. Maybe she's afraid of getting sued, and she doesn't know me so she has no reason to believe that I wouldn't. Still, even if I were the litigous type, I think it would have benefitted her defense if she had done either of those things.

But it's a done deal now and Rio is fine and my anger is subsiding. I considered knocking on K's door and asking him to apologize to Rio myself. I think K needs to be taught that that's what you do when you hurt someone, intentionally or not, rather than fleeing the scene. I understand that he was scared, and I also understand that he doesn't have the mental capacity (or maturity) to make those sort of judgments on his own. I went looking for him yesterday, but I stopped short of knocking on his door. Because I'm not really sure what I want to say after I get my apology.

I'm not sure if K will be welcome at our house anymore, and I'm really wrestling with this. It would seem wise to say no, because I just can't supervise him constantly to make sure that he doesn't do something else equally foolish and dangerous as playing badminton with rocks. However, turning him away doesn't feel right either, because when he's not here then no one is paying attention to him at all, and jeez! The poor kid!

So then I wonder if I should call Family Services. I've wondered that before this incident, just because the kid is so obviously neglected. But then I wish I knew more about his mother before I make such a drastic decision. It's entirely possible that she's not around to keep track of K because she has to work two minimum-wage jobs just to make ends meet, and her useless live-in boyfriend is obviously not a reliable babysitter. It's entirely possible that she loves her simple son very much, but she doesn't have the means to pay for special services or after-school care. And it's entirely possible that if Family Services got involved, he would end up in foster care that isn't much better. There are no guarantees. The decision to yank a child from his home and family, however flawed, should not be taken lightly in my opinion.

On the other hand, it is just as possible that his mother could care less. Maybe she resents her son for being slow, and is embarrassed by him. Maybe she's an alcoholic and she drinks away her small income, special services be damned. Maybe she thinks it's just fine for her kid to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood, walking into people's houses uninvited (he's done this a number of times). Maybe she sees him as a burden, and she punishes him harshly for his errant ways. Maybe she's abusive.

Who knows? I wish I did.

I would like to offer to help. I've thought about having K come to our house after school, so he's not on his own. Trouble is, I can't take him with me everywhere I go. On three days of the week Rio and I have somewhere to be after school. It would seem kinda shitty to make K tag along for Rio's Tae Kwon Do class while he sits and watches and can't participate. I sure as hell can't afford to enroll him, and I doubt his mother can. And it would hardly be appropriate to take K along to Rio's counseling sessions, either. My hands are full (and bank account empty) just providing for my own son's needs. And even if I did have more time and money, I would at least try to use those to benefit my stepchildren.

I feel as though I'm forced into a Darwinian stance in which I have to utilize my scarce resources to ensure the well-being of my own family, at the expense of the other families in my neighborhood. And since I suffer somewhat from a Savior Complex, it goes against my grain to just ignore the problems of the people around me, especially when they are children. I have this crazy idea that I should make a difference in their lives. Crazy!

I am processing a lot of ideas right now, and I have a lot more to come on this and related topics. Stay tuned.

The Village Model

2005-09-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

The Scooter

Man, what a day! Sundays are always devoted to housework (what day of rest?) so the fact that I vacuumed the house, bathed the dogs, scrubbed the bathroom, and washed four loads of laundry was nothing remarkable.

However, while I was scrubbing away in the bathroom, Rio was playing with some neighborhood kids. There were three other boys, one Rio’s age and two fourth-graders. One of the older boys was K, who’s a little slow or something. I’m not sure what the clinical term for him would be, I just know that he’s not all there. He’s a good kid, but he completely lacks good judgment. And strangely, he roams the neighborhood unsupervised all the time. He’s kind of the lost puppy on the block, and he ends up at our house quite a bit on weekends.

So today Hercules and K and the other 2 boys were hanging at our place. While I flitted about doing my housework, the boys played cards, rode bikes across the street, played ball in the backyard, and built lego spaceships. In the midst of my chores I would check on them periodically, and I marveled at how smoothly they were all getting along. I was just beginning to fantasize about being the Village Mother, and how I would never have to worry about Rio at other peoples’ houses if I just made our house the coolest place to be in the neighborhood. All the kids would flock to our house, and we would have good, clean fun and I would be a radically good influence on all the little lost lambs in my rather low-income neighborhood. We could plant gardens and put on plays and organize soccer games!

Alas, my little vision was abrubtly shattered just as I was finishing up in the bathroom. I had the window open because the boys were right outside and so I knew immediately that something very bad happened when I heard Rio scream and then wail OH MY GOD OH MY GOD repeatedly. I rushed out the back door and he was sitting on the ground holding his neck and he was covered in blood, more blood than I had ever seen come out of one person. He was wearing only shorts, and his head, neck, arms, chest and stomach were a bloody mess. His shorts were soaked in blood. With all that blood I figured right away that it was a head wound, even though Rio was insisting, between his wails of OH MY GOD, that he was bleeding from his neck.

Sure enough, the oldest boy quickly filled me in on what happened. He said that K had launched a rock at Rio’s head with a badminton racket. He did not mean to direct it at Rio, but it sure did hit him hard. K was already gone, so I ran into the house to get something to clean up Rio.

When I finally cleared away all the blood, I found the cut in his head. It wasn’t really that bad, and it wasn’t bleeding anymore, either. Relieved, I had him lay down on the couch while I fixed his dinner.

So our little Hercules survived his bloody ordeal fairly well, and so did I. But my idealistic vision of being the Village Mother has taken a hit. I mean, there’s a lot kids of in my neighborhood with hard luck stories, and I feel especially inclined to look out for K because jeez, somebody needs to and his mother apparently doesn’t seem to bother. But this is not the first problem I’ve had with K, it just happens to be the most injurious. And my own child’s safety has to be my first priority. I need to somehow reconcile my desire to open my home to the neighborhood kids with the need to set boundaries in my house.

I’ve wrestled with this before, and the answer I usually arrive at doesn’t satisfy me. But the reality of the whole village model of child-rearing is that there can’t be just one Village Mother, but rather a whole village of mothers who are all pooling their resources to keep everyone’s children safe and happy. If there’s just one mother trying to raise everyone’s kids, you may be able to help some of the kids some of the time, but you also get one harried, exhausted, stressed out mama.

Which, incidentally, describes me pretty well when my 5 stepkids come over. Which really calls into question my qualifications for the role of Village Mother, I might add. Hercules plus the four boys and their uptight, control-freaky sister can really, really bring out the bitch in me, at least when I’m pre-menstrual. There’s a reason why the Native Americans had a separate teepee for hormonal women. There’s about one week of every month when I wish I had my own teepee. And so does everyone else.

A Helping Hand

2005-09-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick post regarding the recent disaster in the South. It's difficult to imagine what it must be like to lose everything overnight, to have no access to food or water, no plumbing or electricity, and then in your struggle to survive you find yourself threatened by violence, rape, and carjackings. It's even harder to believe that this is happening in our own country.

I will bite my tongue, though, and spare you my political diatribe and instead direct you to some places where you can contribute whatever you may have to help those who have lost everything.

First, you can always donate to the Red Cross.

You can also donate items such as food, clothing and blankets. Although many agencies prefer cash donations to goods due to (very good) logistical reasons, I still think that if that's all you can give (because we don't all have money to spare) then by golly, it's worth something. Here's one resource that I found on the Katrina Help Wiki:

A food bank in Louisiana is coordinating all donations of food, clothing, and personal grooming items (toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, etc.) for the entire region. They specify the best type of food to send is something that is ready to eat, like canned chili. No microwave, no stovetop. And, of course, canned or boxed is better, and they won't accept anything home-made.

Ship stuff here:

Food Bank of Northwest Louisiana
2307 Texas Avenue
Shreveport, LA 71103

You can phone them at 318-678-2400, or e-mail to info@foodbanknla.org

And if you're like me and you want to do more but you're broke, maybe can you offer a spare room or empty bed to someone who just wants to get the hell out of dodge and start their life over again someplace new. You can sign up to host hurricane victims here or here. We've registered at both of these sites, so we'll see if anyone responds to our offer.

And finally, there's a fund-raising photo auction going on at flickr over here. I've donated one of my own photos to this cause. There are some stunning photos up for bid, I encourage you to browse and make a bid or two. Not only can you add some fine art to your decor, but you can also support a good cause.

If you'd like more information about how to help, the Katrina Help Wiki is an excellent place to start. They have lots and lots of links and information.

Life with Hercules

2005-08-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

MHT w/Hercules

This morning I was getting my daily dose of Dooce, when this particular passage resonated with me:

"Leta is not like normal kids. She’s not even like most difficult kids. She’s far worse, far more
intense, far more advanced in her tantrum throwing techniques."

Which is exactly how I've felt about Rio since the day he was born. He has always possessed an intensity that can be terrifying at the worst of times, and exasperating at best. And so it is great fun for me to read Heather's hilarious accounts of her own adventures in motherhood because I can sit back and reminisce about Rio's infancy and toddler years. The joy! The hell!

There are two memories that haunt me from when Rio was still an infant. First, he nursed around the clock, for 2 hours at a time and 20 minute breaks in between, so I didn't sleep for the first three months of his life. It wasn't until much later that I admitted to myself that I had suffered from post-partum depression, but my mother knew. I think her first clue was the time I told her, "I'm not his mother, I'm his MILK WHORE!"

My poor mother, she was so scandalized.

I also remember taking Rio out in public with me, which was rare because it was so stressful and exhausting, and invariably some well-meaning stranger would approach me in the grocery store and say, "Oh, what a beautiful baby! Don't you wish they would stay this tiny forever??"

And that's when by sheer force of will I would suppress the urge to scream "NO FUCKING WAY ARE YOU INSANE? I can't WAIT for the day when he can feed his own damn self!"

So yeah, it took me a while to adjust to my new role as a mother. It just wasn't anything like all the books told me it would be. My biggest mistake was reading The Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pierce. No mother-to-be should read this book, unless you want to feel like a failure because you cannot anticipate your baby's every bowel movement. Because, you know, if you were really bonded with your baby like those African women, your baby wouldn't need diapers, you would just KNOW when he was about to poop.

Of course, it's entirely possible that I'm just a little too hard on myself and my expectations were unrealistic. But motherhood has been the single most difficult experience of my life, and of course the most rewarding as well. Because someday when my little Hercules has become the most benevolent Emperor of the World that the planet earth has ever seen, I will proudly take all the credit:)

So far, so good

2005-08-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

The first day was a success! Turns out Rio's arch nemesis is nowhere to be found, not in his class or anywhere else for that matter. So that's one less worry for our little Hercules. This was the kid who reveled in antagonizing Rio, and as a result Rio ended up getting in quite a bit of trouble. Since Rio is pretty good at getting into trouble on his own, it's particularly frustrating when another child comes along and starts trouble for him deliberately. This is sometimes an issue with my stepchildren, one in particular, and it can be pretty frustrating.

But it's just SO exciting to make Hercules mad! WOW!

But I digress. Rio's first day was pretty great. The only problem he had was that his pants developed a tear right down the front that grew bigger and bigger as the day progressed. Luckily, these were nylon pants that had a liner, and the liner remained intact so at least he wasn't exposing himself. But still, the poor kid was pretty embarrassed. I wish someone had called me, I would have brought him another pair of pants. I told Rio to do that next time, and he was like "Why didn't you tell me that before??" Because, you know, that should have occurred to me.

The best thing is that his confidence has really been boosted by his success so far, and that makes all the difference. Of course, he's still in that honeymoon period and that will last a couple of weeks, and then the novelty will wear off. I'm sure he'll have some rough days and he's bound to spend some time in the ABLE room eventually. But that's ok, that's still progress! My goal for this year is to make it the whole year without any meltdowns - where Rio has to be dragged kicking and screaming from the classroom and isolated somewhere. If we can just avoid that, I'll be pretty damn thrilled.

My other goal is that he learns to curb his aggression - so no one else gets hurt this year. I can't tell you how much guilt I feel whenever another child gets punched or kicked by Hercules. It makes me feel like a horrible mother. That one will be a little trickier, and I may have to settle on fewer incidents of aggression. It really depends so much on his emotional maturity, and it's pretty hard to guage how that is progressing. He does seem to be doing much better with his stepsiblings in that department, so I'm quite hopeful.

It's hard to balance hopeful with overly optimistic, because too much optimism can quickly turn into bitter disappointment when things go awry. And the lesson here is non-attachment. Oh I've got a lot of work to do on that one!

Here's joke for you:

Me: Knock knock.

You: Who's there?

Me: Control freak. This is the part where you say "Control freak who?"

Get it? If so, then you're probably either a control freak or you live with one. I made the mistake of telling this one to my husband. Now whenever my control issues surface, he says "Knock knock!"

It's not easy being a perfectionist, you know! The world is so imperfect!

First Day and Other News

2005-08-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

For fun, here's a photo of Hercules in the shower. Dig the goggles, baby!

It's the first day of school for Hercules today, our heroic first-grader! I'm pretty sure he'll start off just fine. I don't start to worry until the novelty has worn off and the honeymoon period is over with his new teacher. But I wrote the story for Rio as planned and we read it the last three nights. He immediately noticed that Max the Mighty was just like him (what a coincidence;), and we discussed the lessons in the story at great length. I wanted to post the story here, but it's kinda long. Maybe if enough people are interested I will make it public, so speak now or forever hold your peace. I gave a copy to Rio's teacher, too, at Meet Your Teacher Night. It seemed like kind of a weird thing to do, but I did it anyway. I told her it would explain Rio very well, which I thought would be a good idea since she wasn't familiar with any of his history yet. I want her to know what to expect.

I plan to write some more stories about Max that are geared to some other recurring issues that Hercules deals with on a regular basis. We'll see how it all goes.

The last couple of days have been nice in that I stayed home from work and got to spend some quality time with Hercules before school starts. We biked the MKT trail and made a birthday card for his Grampa in NH. And we got to play with our new puppy! Yep, we got another dog! His name is Chico. Check him out, he's the little black dog:

So that's been fun and er, messy, but he's still doing his puppy thing so I'm very forgiving. This morning I decided it was easier to simply remove the area rug from the living room, rather than attempt to clean it one more time. Because the spots that I treated previously still smell like pee and I'm pretty sure that's why he continues to go potty there. Luckily I wasn't overly attached to that rug anyway, especially since Bongo had chewed off the fringe in one corner.

When you have six kids and two dogs around, carpeting is just a headache. Floors are a mother's best friend!

Plans!

2005-08-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

So my plan for a new routine has not been fully realized, but we've made some progress. For one thing, Hercules and I have been riding our bikes every day to his daycare center. He's really excited about that, and I can keep riding to work after I drop him off. His daycare is really very close to the house, so it's a great arrangement. Unfortunately we won't be able to keep it up once school starts next week:( But we'll enjoy it while it lasts!

The funny thing about biking with Hercules is that you get a running commentary from 30 feet behind you at all times. Have I mentioned that Hercules ~~likes~~ loves to hear himself talk?

And I don't know what Nana and Papa were teaching him down there in Florida, but he's been an exceptionally cooperative little Hercules these days! Well, at least for me. I can't say that has carried over at school so well. But I'll take any signs of progress I can get! He's still rambunctious and impulsive and hyperactive, but the big difference I'm seeing is that when I correct him or ask him to do/not to do something, he responds very agreeably. This is very welcome progress.

Still, I'm pretty anxious about the beginning of first grade. I'm eager to meet his new teacher, which happens Monday night. School starts on Wednesday. That gives me one week to prepare myself and Hercules for the first grade. I just hope his teacher has a good sense of humor.

I have a new plan. Yes! More plans! Have you noticed yet that I am an obsessive planner? That's right. I always have at least one plan, if not two, and they're always brilliant and likely to change with my next mood swing but here goes: I am creating a character for Hercules, based on Hercules, and his name is Maximus Marshall. I will write a story about Maximus Marshall's first day of school, and it will be about how Max faces all his fears and worries and makes the best of them. So Max will be Hercules at his very best, but with all the qualities that make Rio the Hercules that he is. Brilliant, right?!

Only if it works. I'll let you know how it turns out . . .

Meanwhile, I have another plan (of course!). I'm scouting out some yoga videos for children, and I hope to find one that suits Hercules. I think yoga would benefit him immensely, especially the breathing/relaxation aspects of it. I just hope it can captivate his attention long enough for him to follow along. He's seen Pa and I do yoga quite a bit, and once in a while he'll try to follow along with us, but it doesn't last long. But there are some good reasons for that, and I think that since he's shown even a little interest, then a video will do the trick. Because if there's someone talking to him from inside the TV, he will be mesmerized. It's like magic, that idiot box. I must learn to force it do my bidding, and silence those other voices that continually bombard my boy's impressionable young mind.

He's Back!

2005-08-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

At long last, my Hercules is home! What a relief! Now life shall resume its normal mayhem:)

The best thing about the last few Rio-free weeks is that Pa and I have accomplished wonders in our house. We've remodeled the bathroom, painted the kitchen and the hallway, and rearranged the furniture in the other 2 rooms (living & dining). Whew! Not to mention some major reorganizing projects and whatnot. So even though we've been working like oxen for the last 3 weeks on what was supposed to be our vacation, I can now enjoy the feeling of immense satisfaction whenever I walk around my house. Weeeee!

We bid farewell to our childless freedom by spending Sunday in St. Louis. We visited the Art Museum in Forest Park, and then hung out in University City. It was terribly lovely and I can't wait to spend more time in that part of the city!

Finally it was time to meet Hercules at the airport. He arrived safely and happily, and was still bidding farewell to his fellow passengers down in baggage claim. I never did get any details, but it seems that Hercules made some friends and everyone enjoyed their flight:)

But it was a late flight and he slept all the way home. Then he went straight to bed and we had a little time to go through his bags this morning so he could show me his new goodies. But it wasn't nearly enough time, and he must have sensed my regret because he tried to persuade me to take the day off from work today. Oh, I was tempted! But my pragmatic side prevailed and I made it to work on time, leaving young Hercules at our new favorite daycare.

I promised to take him to the library today after work, and that pleased him. He and Nana were reading Heidi together but they weren't able to finish it, so I'll get a chance to revisit that book with him (I read it when I was quite young - I was a hardcore bookwork at a very young age). And then we'll resume the next book in A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I've decided that this post-vacation time is a great opportunity to establish some better routines. I had been finding it very difficult to get any quality time with Hercules in the evenings, since we get home around 4:30, and the bedtime ritual begins around 6:45, and in that timespan I have to prepare dinner and sit down to eat with everyone. And there are always errands to run! And Tae Kwon Do two nights of the week, to boot. And when Rio sees his counselor I have to make up the lost work time by working late 2 days of the week. So yeah, scheduling quality time is a bitch. But something's got to give.

My new plan is to try an activity as soon as we get home. I'd like to take a walk with Hercules and Bongo, and exercise both of them (and me!). I'd also like to make time to practice reading and writing with Rio before school starts. The logical time to do this would seem to be bedtime, when we already read together (but I'm the reader and he's the listener). However, asking Rio to read or write at bedtime is problematic because he's just too tired. He gets frustrated too easily and he gives up too quickly. So maybe we'll try that before dinner, too. We'll see. I'll let you know how the implementation of my brilliant plan goes after we've had some time to work out the details.

Florida Boy

2005-08-02T07:38:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest news from Florida. Nana's getting pretty worn out by our boy wonder Hercules, but she's hanging in there!

Here are some new pics of Rio's fun here with Nana and Papa. He's hung out (briefly) with his cousin Collin, gone Kayaking with Nana, snorkeling with Papa at the pool, and fishing with Papa outside our front door. He caught a HUGE ONE! [see pic] At least that's what he ran into the house yelling, "Nana, ya gotta come see the huge fish I just caught! I was expecting to see at least Jaw's son, but as you can see it was only Nemo's little brother. He actually caugth 8 fish and he finally had to stop fishing "because his wrist hurt so much from bringing in so many BIG ones"! He's a trip:)

I took him shopping the other day. He's been playing with the two girls next door to us. One is 4 years old and the other is 10 and they have played great together. He wanted to give them both a gift, so I agreed to take him to a thrift store and finally found a "Goodie Bag" full of "girl stuff" that was just what he was looking for. So we brought it home, he found a box, filled it with bright colored tissue paper, and we wrapped it just right! Watch out girls, he's a charmer!

Enjoy the pics! I'll try to get some of him with the girls next door too.

One more week and he's all yours. He's really starting to miss you all, especially at bed time or when he's tired. He'll be more than ready to get home by next Sunday.

Love ya,
Mom

Yep, that's one proud fisherman there, don't you think? But I'm afraid maybe my little Hercules has had a few too many french fries from McD's. Look at that gut! But no worries. We'll have him back in shape in no time:)

And don't forget that you can always click on the photo to see more pics on Flickr.

Tricksy Hercules

2005-07-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Another recap from Nana. Look's like little Hercules is testing his boundaries, as usual:

It's Thursday and this Nana is tired but still very much in love with our Hercules! Where do I start? It's one adventure after another with this Herculean Warrior!

Let's see, we went to the pool after I got home from work one evening. I swam after him for an hour, what a work out! No gym time needed that day! We had a ball!

The real fun for Rio started when we were leaving. It was time to really test Nana's patience….

Test # 1: To leave our pool area you have to push a green button that releases the exit/entrance gate, which I did for Rio. He ran to the gate, opened and held it, while watching a tired Nana make her way to the gate. And you probably guessed it . . . he closed the gate just as I got there. The look of glee was adorable, even to tired Nana. Now I had to go all the way back to the green release button, push it, and walk back to the waiting Rio at the gate. He again opened it up for me, smiling sweetly as I very nicely reminded him Nana was very tired and to please not do that again. But, with that now not-so-adorable grin on his face, he again closed it just as I got there! This replayed itself for about another 3 or more times before Nana's voice and "You’ll regret not listening to me" look got through to him and I was let out of the pool area!

Test # 2: I remotely unlocked the truck and Rio jumped into it.and of course as Nana came up to the drivers door I heard the auto lock click! Now, believe it or not, it hit me funny. I could not believe he would DARE test me again so soon after my "You’ll regret not listening to me" look!

I kid you not, he would unlock and lock the door, as he watched my arms approach the door handle at least 5 or more times! It took a lot to keep the laughter from my insides not to show on the outside! I was thinking just how funny I would think this all was a few weeks from now, when he was back home, and I was missing him and his "Nana tests." I finely was able to convince him enough was enough, and I was allowed to enter the truck.

Test # 3: The other day I was very late getting home after work, due to a flat tire. I was stuck on The Howard Franklin Bridge between St. Pete (where I work) and Tampa (where we live). I did not get home till 8 PM. I explained to Rio that dinner would only be scrambled eggs and toast, to which I heard a wail from Rio, "Oh, no! That is not fair! I want a real supper!" This time, I turned on my tired feet and faced him eye ball to eye ball with a "Don't you EVEN go there" speech, which worked the first time! He ate his egg and toast dinner without any further argument. I think I came out on top on this test.

Then it was off to bed and a story, a great time of cuddling, loving and enjoying a great book. We share a love for reading, and cuddling!

That's all for this time. This happy, but tired Nana is signing off.

Journey to Florida

2005-07-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

Not only has Rio's Nana agreed to fill in as our guest blogger while he's in Florida, but she has proven to be much more prolific than I am. I'm already have a backlog of entries and photos, so here's the first one, in which Hercules arrives in Tampa after his first solo airplane ride:

Hercules arrived safe and sound, and according to his stewardess he was a pure joy, entertaining the passengers and crew throughout the flight.

I got a chance to speak with the folks he sat next to. The young woman said he was a bit teary-eyed when it hit him that he was “all alone”. He told her this was his first flight without his Nana or Mom, and he was only 6 yrs old. She said it only took a few words of encouragement to dry his tears, and then he was great. He even got some dear soul to switch seats with him so he could sit by a window.

He loved his stewardess, as you can see from the good-bye hug she got when we left! As soon as we were off he spotted the Southwest Children's Play Area, and Southwest knows what they are doing. This area is set up with very large heavy foam/plastic airplanes and clouds. The children can leap from one to the other, and they have controls for steering, too! Rio was literally bouncing off every one of them, at the same time he was on the cell phone with his Mom, letting her know he had arrived safe and sound. I let him “bounce” for a while, because I figured it would keep the inside of our truck in one piece for the ride home, and it worked great.

We arrived home to greet Uncle Ron, Aunt Katina, Alan, and Elise,. He bounced off them for a while, too. It was a great family reunion! See pics (click the photo above to see more at Flickr).

More to come soon!

Belting it out!

2005-07-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Belting it out!

So here's Hercules, performing live on stage in Plevna, Kansas! He did a lively rendition of The Swimming Song, accompanied by Pa on banjo and E on bubbles! Yeeehaaaw!

In other news, the new daycare center is working out beautifully. It's like night and day compared to the last one - the people are incredibly friendly and helpful, the children are happy and active, and there are no LOUD BUZZERS that go off for a whole minute every time someone opens the front door. How refreshing!

But after tomorrow he won't be going back there until August, because on Sunday Rio is flying to Florida to see his Nana and Papa. Yep, that's right: Hercules will be on an airplane all by himself! Well, not exactly. He will be supervised by a dedicated, unsuspecting flight attendant.

You may think that would worry me, but surprisingly it does not. Denial? Perhaps. But I'm a pretty pragmatic person (most of the time), and I know that he'll be well-supervised. It's a direct flight, and once I turn him over to the flight attendant, he will be on the plane the entire time, until he is handed over to my mother at the other end. And really, as far as safety is concerned there really isn't anything to worry about, other than the plane crashing. And let's face it, if that plane is going to crash, would it really make any difference if I were on it with him? No, we'd just both go down in ball of flames. But let's not dwell on that scenario. It's much more fun to imagine the REAL excitement: all the other passengers at the mercy of Little Hercules.

In fact, I think I should get him a T-shirt made just for the flight, to make things clear to his fellow travelers:

HELLO! MY NICKNAME IS HERCULES AND LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!

Because the two words Rio says to me more than any other are: WATCH THIS! I'll probably come up with something lots better as soon as I post this entry and put some thought into it. I'd love to hear some more suggestions for Hercules T-shirts!

He's most likely to flirt aggressively with all the female flight attendants, and any other woman within 3 rows of him. He's already praying that his personal attendant will be a woman. I really expect him to keep the other passengers thoroughly entertained, as long as they have a decent sense of humor. Let's just hope he doesn't end up sitting next to someone who's hoping for a nice, quiet flight. Luckily, he's flying Southwest, which means people can sit wherever they want. So all the grumps, child-haters, and other humorless muggles can go sit in the back.

Hey, there's a T-shirt idea:
NO MUGGLES ALLOWED!

It's probably a good thing I'm not a T-shirt designer, eh?

Anyway, it'll be three whole weeks of no Rio for me. It will be both liberating and heart-breaking all at once. Pa and I will take some vacation time to work on the house, and then it's business as usual for the remaining 2 weeks. I'm sure we'll manage to amuse ourselves somehow;)

Meanwhile, maybe I'll see if my mom would be willing to do some guest blogging so we can keep tabs on Hercules while he's in the Sunshine State. Mom?

Life Goes On

2005-07-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the rather abrupt termination of that last post. I actually got the phone call while in the middle of writing that entry, so it was angst in real-time! Drama in real life!

Since then I have calmed down considerably. I am gradually learning not to take Rio's mishaps so personally, and not to despair with so much melodrama. So this time I only spent one day in tears. That's progress!

Rio's counselor was very instrumental in my consolation. Although she was also disheartened by this little setback, she reminded me that the events leading up to his expulsion were actually not that extreme, at least in relative terms. She is used to dealing with kids with extreme problems, and on her spectrum Rio is in a class of angels (she, like most adult women who are not prissy prudes, adores Little Hercules).

Lest anyone thinks that I am condoning his aggression or not showing enough sympathy for the children on whom he has taken out his aggression, let me elaborate. Or rather, let me provide an excerpt from an email I sent to The Diva. Because I'm just too busy to retype it all and it makes my point very well:

I’m feeling a lot better about Rio’s most recent debacle w/summer school. His counselor definitely helped eased my mind on Friday. Although she’s taking his behavior issues seriously, she reminded me that there’s really no cause for despair (as I am prone to do whenever Rio gets kicked out of school). She said that 10 years ago Rio probably would’ve been considered a normal, though especially active, little boy and the consequences for his problems wouldn’t be so drastic. The System (insert ominous music) has become so hyper-regulated that even minor offenses are dealt with harshly. For example, there was a time when climbing UP the slide wasn’t outlawed, and subsequently Rio wouldn’t have been condemned so quickly by another kid and wouldn’t have had cause to kick him. Not to mention that it seems to me like he’s become an easy target for antagonistic, bullyish kids who like to get a rise out of him because it’s oh-so-easy to do. Ya know? In addition, Rio claims that the kid he kicked had been hitting him and his friend in the “weiner.” AND the day he got booted, he was in a kicking match with 2 other kids, and I got the impression that these were the same antagonists from previous incidents. And given that Rio has a very righteous sense of justice, he doesn’t deal well when he gets in trouble for taking matters into his own hands. And because, unfortunately, Rio fights fire with fire.

So, the point is that Rio has a flair for the dramatic, a hot temper, and no impulse control, which together make for a lot of conflicts on the playground. The good news is that he doesn’t fly into a blind rage and beat kids to a pulp for no reason at all. His more aggressive behavior is usually provoked, impulsive, and fleeting. Sometimes he overreacts to less antagonistic behavior, such as shoving someone who cuts in front of him in line, which also has more dire consequences in Rio’s case because he’s so much stronger than other kids his age. Somehow this comforts me, because I don’t have to despair that my son will grow into a callous sociopath. With some proper coaching, patience, and persistence, he’ll eventually learn how to deal with all the annoying kids out there in the world without giving them a swift kick in the head.

There are two key points here. First, Rio is an easy target for antagonistic kids. That has recently become apparent and accounts for most of the trouble he's been in at the last 2 schools he's attended. Second, the fact that he's bigger, stronger, and heavier than just about every kid his age and many older kids, means that when push comes to shove somebody's far more likely to get hurt. Which of course makes it all the more important for Rio to learn to manage his anger and his impulses. Which is also why he tends to get in more trouble more often than those antagonistic little brats that love to mess with him. It's all fun and games until someone gets a swift kick in the head from the Foot of Hercules.

All this makes me wish I could be there for him. I wish I could be there on that playground, looking out for him, ready to prevent problems before they escalate into a brawl. Hercules needs exactly that, a dedicated guardian to look out for him. I don't mean someone to ward off the bullies and the brats in the world, because he most certainly needs to learn to deal with those people. They are everywhere in the world, young or old. But I do think he would benefit if someone could hover nearby, and when those kids come around and a disagreement ensues or the subtle teasing begins, that's the cue. That's when they need a conflict resolution coach who can say "What's a better way to work this out?" And it wouldn't just help Hercules, it would help the other kids, too. This is what I try to do when my stepkids come around, whenever I can (which isn't nearly as much as I'd like to). Because they could all use a little coaching in the conflict resolution department. Hell, I know plenty of adults who have never mastered this skill.

But this post is about moving on, and so I think I need to do that. Someday I would like to master the art of short, frequent posts so that I am not so intimidated by the bulk of material that I need to discuss that I fail to post at all. There, now you know my weakness.

Once Rio was kicked out of summer school, I was then faced with the problem of where the hell to put him while I go to work every day. This was no small dilemma, because when it comes to affordable short-term childcare, there are very limited options in this town. But find one I did, and it seemed so ideal, at first. They take drop-ins anytime! I will never have to worry about missing work again!

Alas, it was indeed too good to be true. The first red flag was that they don't allow the kids to play with the toys. Yep, you read that right. WTF?? Apparently the toys are only for the full-time preschoolers or some such lame excuse. So what can the children do, you ask? They can watch movies. All day. Unless they are playing outside, or eating, or napping. Otherwise, that cursed TV is spewing out animated hypnosis for hours on end.

But that's not the worst of it. It wasn't long before Rio was coming home with reports of suspicious practices on the part of the caregivers. Like boxing the little kids in the ears. Not the bigger kids, because they might know enough to speak up to another adult and get the place shut down. But they didn't reckon on my little Hercules, heroic whistleblower that he is! Ha!

So we spoke to Rio's counselor and she's going to file a report for us. And I'm happy to say that today is Rio's last day at that godforsaken place, may it burn to the ground (at night, when it's empty, of course). I was fortunate to find just one other place that will accept him on short notice for just one week this month, and it costs the same as the other. I had originally ruled this one out because it's located in kind of a bad neighborhood. Not too bad, in fact, it's about the same as the one we live in (and very nearby). But I'm going by there after work today to look it over. So far I already got a good vibe from the director over the phone. She at least speaks intelligible English, which is more than I can say of that other director. And I can at least hope that it can't possibly be any worse than the first place. Right? Let's hope not, because if this one fails me then I'll have to get a second job just to pay for childcare.

Next, I'll post some pics from our Fourth of July trip to Kansas for my husband's family reunion. There was a talent show and Little Hercules was on stage, stealing the show of course! Photos soon to come!

Summertime challenges

2005-06-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

Finally! I know, it's been a while, but here I am. Life's been busy as ever!

Rio is in summer school* now, and he's faring pretty well. I've received 3 calls from the principal in the 2 weeks since he started at this location. But that's not as bad as it sounds! First of all, this principal (Dr. S) is a very cool guy, both Rio and I like him a lot. He's very willing to work with Rio and to accommodate his needs so he can stay in the summer program. That's been an immense relief! The other good news is that most of Rio's problems are occurring on the playground, not in the classroom. Unfortunately, his first 2 incidents involved him kicking another child. Apparently, Rio likes to climb up the slide, which is strictly against the rules, so inevitably some kid will tell him "Hey! You're not supposed to do that!" At which point Rio kicks the kid, and unfortunately his feet are usually level with their head. Sheeesh Hercules! No serious injuries, but clearly this is not cool. So Rio got sent home the first time, but the second time the principal decided to keep him there. I guess that time Rio had been much more cooperative when he was caught and sent to the office. I think that had a lot to do with the fact that he had learned that this principal wasn't going to demonize him.

So Dr. S and I agreed that Rio should simply be banned from the slide, since he can't seem to use it without getting himself into trouble. That seems to be working so far. The most recent phone call from Dr. S was when Rio had to leave class because he wouldn't stay in the Safe Spot, which I guess is where kids go when they're being disruptive and need to calm down, kind of like Time Out. This time, Dr. S asked me more about Rio and what sort of strategies work for him in the classroom. I gave him some of Rio's history in Kindergarten, suggested that having a helper in the class makes a big difference. Fortunately, they seem to have a lot of extra help available during the summer, so he agreed to place someone in Rio's classroom specifically to keep an eye on him. We also agreed that it's just not realistic to expect Rio to remain seated for any period of time. It's more important for him to be safe and not to disturb others in the class. Therefore, Rio will be allowed to get up and move around, and even leave the classroom periodically if necessary, so long as he complies with those two conditions. Of course, those conditions are going to be a sufficient challenge, so I'm eager to see how this works for him. Being safe does not come naturally to our little Hercules.

Dr. S explained to me that he has a son, now grown, very much like Rio, and it's apparent that he really likes Rio a lot. He's very soft-spoken and calm, and my conversations with him regarding Rio have been very pleasant. In fact, Rio informed me that Dr. S is going to let him spend recess with him in his office, where they will build rockets together. Mind you, I received this information from Rio, not Dr. S, not I'm not sure yet just how much of this is really going to happen. I'm thinking maybe Dr. S invited Rio to visit him in his office sometime, and maybe they could work on some projects together. To Rio, this translates to: I can spend all my free time in your office, and I can build rockets because that is my new favorite thing!

I'll find out this afternoon how that worked out. I'm hoping he's more right than I am, for his sake.

Ever since we rented The Sandlot 2, Rio has been interested in rockets. He built one out of a paper towel tube and some construction paper, but that's not going to be enough. You can bet he's looking forward to the Fourth of July. For months now he's been saving up all the half-chewed lego guys and action figures that Bongo has mangled, for the sole purpose of tying them to rockets and blowing them up on the 4th. God bless America?

For my part, I'm trying to put the emphasis on rocket science.

NEVERMIND. CANCEL ALL THAT. DR. S JUST CALLED. THEY'RE KICKING RIO OUT OF SUMMER SCHOOL. I GOTTA GO GET HIM NOW.

SHIT!

*Summer school is a voluntary program here, it doesn't mean he's required to go because he's behind academically. The programs are held at only some of the schools in town, so he is not attending the same school that he goes to during the school year.

Airborne

2005-05-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

airborne

You may think that it was rather difficult to get a photo of young Hercules in mid-air like this. But it's really not at all difficult because that's where he is most of the time, hurtling through space.

Incurable vices

2005-05-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

Rio has several vices that I cannot seem to cure him of:

Eating chalk - He actually claims to like the taste. He assures me that he only nibbles on the edges. But he does actually eat it. I can always tell when he comes in and his lips are electric blue.
Playing with fire - Getting burned is apparently not a sufficient deterrent. Can you say pyromaniac?
Turning on the outdoor spigot - And leaving it on. All night. He's currently grounded for this one right now. I can't wait to see our water bill this month.
Flirting with strange women - His favorite line is, "Hey lady, you look cute today!" This is, admittedly, his most endearing vice. The best part is that he doesn't just do this with your standard hotties. He's just as likely to approach some middle-aged housewife who just happened to wear a shirt with something sparkly on it that day. Rio loves sparklies! The only reason that this is a problem for me at all is that a)I'm shy and b) he does it EVERYWHERE WE GO.
Grabbing everything that catches his eye in the store - And they said this would pass after the terrible two's . . .
Sneaking toys and other random stuff to school in his pockets or backpack - Some things his teachers have confiscated: hairclips, jewelry, legos, marbles, flashlights, paperclips, walkie talkies, various action figures, and assorted pirate paraphenalia. Most of this stuff is pretty harmless, but the problem is that Rio will distract himself with it when he's supposed to doing his work or listening to his teacher.
Picking up everything he finds on the ground - Once, when Rio was two years old, he picked up a piece of bubble gum that was flattened on the sidewalk and put it in his mouth. I screamed in horror and he thought that was weird. At least he hasn't done that since. But he picks up pretty much everything else.You can see why he's earned the nickname "Little Crow." He just can't resist anything that's shiny, sparkly, or flashy.
Putting stuff in his mouth - He's got some sort of oral fixation, I think. He'll chew on anything. He gets mad when I give him a quarter and then I have to confiscate it immediately because he put it in his mouth.

So Rio appears to be irresistibly drawn to fire, water, trash, and women. You can see how I've got my hands full with this one.

I've been tagged!

2005-05-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

On the run

Thanks to Mama Yaya, I've been tagged with the latest chain meme. She's trying to encourage me to post more often, so how can I refuse? This one looks painless enough. According to the instructions: "Complete at least 5 of these statements, and then pass the assignment along to someone else (others should do the same, and folks are free to add more after selecting at least five of the originals). So here is the original list:"

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...

SO . . .
If I could be a doctor, I would want to be a gynecologist and educate women, especially teenagers, about their sexual health. I would also use my medical training and credentials to promote midwifery and alternative medicine as a complement to alleopathic medicine.

If I could be a professor, I would teach literature, so I could read and discuss fine literature for a living. I would have TA's do all that other stuff that professors do, like read and correct essays and papers.

If I could be an innkeeper, I would find a location somewhere eccentric, like Gibtown, FL, and take photographic portraits of everyone who passed through my inn.

If I could be a linguist (a career I seriously considered not too long ago), I would live all over the world and become multilingual. I would translate the works of Gabriel Garcia Marquez out of sheer adoration.

If I could be a llama-rider, I would ditch that nasty spitting beast and get me a proper horse, pronto.

And here are my personal additions to the above list:

If I could be president, I would increase funding for education and health care 100%. All of which I would take away from the military budget. Then, I would take the remaining military budget and redirect it, such that the billion-dollar mega-weapons projects would get put on a maintenance schedule. Then I could increase funding for veteran benefits, and make sure our soldiers have proper gear and attire. How's that for supporting our troops?

If I could be a celebrity, I would use my fortune to by my own TV network. Then I would air something really novel, such as quality entertainment and news. And all the advertisements would say the same thing: TURN OFF YOUR TV.

OK, now I'm tagging FateWineRoses, who always leaves such sweet comments, and who recently posted a lovely tribute to birthmothers. AND I really dig her site design:) You're it!

Warriors and dolls

2005-04-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

Splashing

Of all the toys a young warrior could request, my little Hercules begged me for a Polly Pockets doll. Of course I bought it for him, because my Hercules, he is very secure in his manhood. Nobody questions that.

He has a couple of other dolls, too, including a mermaid Barbie-like doll who used to join him in the tub. I think she got disemboweled or met some sort of tragic fate, but she was well-loved. Rio would probably own a lot more girl stuff if I let him, but, sadly, I have to draw the line somewhere.

It makes me sad that I can't buy him that pink and black and glittery backpack, or those boots with the fluffy pink fur lining that he wanted so badly. Not because I object to mixing boys and pink, but because I know that if he ever wore them to school he would be mercilessly ridiculed, if not attacked. And I'm not even worried about him getting beat up, because Hercules is more likely to come out on top (at least with kids his age). But I've been working much, much too hard to teach that kid some anger management, no way am I going to set him up to be the object of ridicule. He can't handle ridicule. If there's one sure way to ignite the wrath of Hercules, it's making fun of him.

I remember when Rio was three years old and we were trying desperately to master potty training or, more specifically, the art of pooping on the toilet. His Uncle Kurt was visiting and thought maybe he could embarrass Rio a little, and made some remark about how only babies poop their pants. It was just one remark, he didn't make a big deal out of it, but he wanted to exploit a little boy's desire to be like the big boys.

Rio promptly slapped him across the face as hard as he could. He knocked his glasses off. And Uncle Kurt, he is one big dude.

So yeah, I'm not concerned about Rio's manhood. Quite the contrary, I wouldn't mind toning it down a notch or two. But what I'm trying to come to grips with is that Rio is what he is. I cannot make him something he's not. He will never be one of those children who just does what he is told. He is mischievous, rebellious, and impertinent. Not because he's a boy, or because he's spoiled, but because he has a warrior spirit, and a cunning one at that.

A few hundred years ago or so, boys like Rio had a place in their clan. They were praised and encouraged and their warrior spirit was celebrated. They were fearless defenders of their tribe, leaders of men, fearsome enemies. Now, I'm afraid, it's more difficult for young warriors to find their way in this world. As a result, most of them are on Ritalin.

It's a tough situation for a mother like myself. I don't want my Hercules to grow up to be some ego-driven power-tripping bully (even though one of them managed to become president) who thinks that might makes right. I think a warrior can also be compassionate as well as mighty, be gentle as well as fearsome, be merciful as well as powerful.

I guess that's why I've got him into a martial arts program. I'm starting him out in Tae Kwon Do, but I'm hoping that as he gets more mature I can stear him toward Aikido. He's already captured the heart of the woman who runs the office at the dojo. She's put all four of her kids through the program, and at least two of them were medicated for behavior issues at one time or another. She claims that martial arts worked better than any of the drugs, and she is a strong proponent of martial arts for kids. She told me the other day that she's been talking about Rio all over town, just because he's stolen her heart. She has a soft spot for active boys, she says. I said, well then, Rio's your man!

As for Rio, he just says "I LOOOVE girls, don't I Mama?"

But that's another story, another blog post:)

Spring Arts Program

2005-04-05T12:47:00.000-07:00

Spring Arts Program
Originally uploaded by Renee May.

This is a shot from Rio's Spring Arts Program at his new school. That's him in the very center. He looks like he's wearing all black, but it's really navy blue.

As you have noticed, I'm not being overly attached to frequent posts! Although this may disappoint some of you and drive others away, it's working very well for me. In fact, I have always favored the photoblog format and this may sort of evolve into a Rio photoblog. I don't really know. I guess I just won't be attached to any sort of format, I'll just do whatever works.

Rio continues to do well at his new school, although he did some backsliding after Spring Break. No big surprise there, seeing as how he got to spend the whole week watching TV and eating burgers with his Papa. Going back to the structure of school was a bit difficult, but his teacher was able to turn it around again by the end of the week. She is fantastic! She's really great at emphasizing the positive and trying to make Rio feel good about school. That seems to be making a huge difference.

So I gotta run and get Rio to an appointment with his counselor today. Hasta luego amigos!

Boys Night Out

2005-03-25T07:15:00.000-08:00

Boys Night Out 2
Originally uploaded by Renee May.

Well, I nearly talked myself out of this blog but now that my hormones have stabilized I'm not ready to give up on it entirely. I think the lesson here is not to be so attached to my standards of perfection. Because you know my blog has to be perfect! Perfectly hilarious, entertaining, insightful, informative and updated daily.

And then there's reality. Life gets in the way. So be it.

Besides, most of my faithful readers are family and friends who want to stay in touch with Rio and I, and I would hate to let them down:)

So today, dear readers, I give you a shot from our Boys Night Out last weekend. Rio's Papa is in town and he's been watching little Hercules over Spring Break. It's been a real pleasure to have him around and it means the world to Hercules, believe me. We started the week off with an outing to the pool hall. One of Pa's younguns accompanied us as well, and I snapped photos while the boys played pool. It was great fun! You can see more pics if you click on the photo, or just visit my Flickr photostream.

Second thoughts

2005-03-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

I hate to raise this question so early in the life of this blog, but I'm wondering if I can really stick with it. It was fine during the winter doldrums here at work, when I could blog from work with little or no guilt. But those days are behind me now, or at least far more infrequent, so I have to reconsider this venture.

I'm not giving up just yet, but I'll be doing some real pondering over this issue for the next couple of weeks. And if I'm not able to post more than once or twice a week, I'm not going to keep doing this for much longer. I just can't justify the time commitment that it requires. I'm already overcommitted to a bunch of projects that I may never complete. Such as:

Painting all the rooms in my new house.
Restoring the used sailboat that I just received from a generous freecycler.
Making prints and framing my photographs, so I can display and sell them.
Landscaping my yard and planting a garden.
Creating a digital portfolio to show off my new design skills, so I can get a better, more satisfying job.
Collaborating with The Diva to produce a TV show for the local public access channel.

Just thinking about that list makes me cry. Because I want so badly for all of those things to get accomplished, and I just don't know how it will ever happen.

Besides, Rio is doing great these days. This new school seems to be a much better environment for him, and I don't need to spend every day worrying about when I'll get the next phone call from his principal.

The BIGGEST reason I wanted to do this blog was to force myself into a regular writing practice. Writing is my first love, and my most neglected one. As a mother, stepmother, and wife, there is no way I can find the kind of time and solitude I need to organize my thoughts, to brainstorm ideas, to piece together a story. As Virginia Wolfe knew so well, without a room of one's own, women will always struggle to find their creative voice. At least until the children are grown.

I've just about talked myself out of it already. However, I am aware of the fact that PMS is kicking my ass this week, so I'm not going to make any rash, hormonal decisions just yet.

Brave explorer

2005-03-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

Brave explorer
Originally uploaded by Renee May.

Before it's too late, I must direct your attention to Self-Portrait Day, the latest meme designed to introduce new faces to the blogosphere. Check it out! Yours truly is right there at the top this week:)

As for our little Hercules, he's been doing great all around except for some icky flu bug that's been pestering him since Saturday night. He's been throwing up at night all over his bed. This is not fun for me or him, trust me. The weird thing is, he's fine pretty much all day. He's only sick at night, and then it all comes up. If he does it again tonight I'll take him to the doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping it has passed, but only time will tell. The night is young!

Today I'm sharing a photo of Hercules exploring Flat Branch Creek near downtown. It's a pretty cool place. If you click the picture you can go to my Flickr site and the next picture in the set is from the same expedition.

Happy Hercules

2005-03-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

Tree climber
Originally uploaded by Renee May.

Young Hercules has really been at his best lately, and it's a huge relief. I have to admit that I anticipated a lot more trouble with this transition to the new school. I'm convinced that all of our preparations made a huge difference, and I can't say enough about how grateful I am to everyone at his new school for their cooperation in that effort.

Rio also started Tae Kwon Do and we tried out a place that had a free 2-week tryout. I was not impressed. The instructors are two women who seem to have good intentions, but their class is out of control. It's pretty chaotic, and I don't think Rio is going to learn anything about discipline in such a setting, regardless of their intentions.

Unfortunately, this was also the most affordable program. Sometimes you really do get what you pay for! However, my second choice is only another $20/month, and they allow you to come in as often as you like during their operating hours. That's actually a pretty good deal, so I'll be checking that one out next. The only problem is that they are open in the evenings, not weekends, and Rio is usually so overtired after school that he tends to be in a sour mood. However, a little Tae Kwon Do may just do him good, since it's something that he's personally motivated to participate in. We'll see how it goes!

Prologue, Climax, and Epilogue

2005-03-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

I’m sorry, I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. Once again I have put off blogging too long and now I have to backpedal just to catch up. Lets see . . .

Friday Rio and I visited his new school, met his teacher, toured the building, and it was a great success. He was wound up and very goofy, but that’s why it’s good to have a dry run like that, to introduce him to a new environment prior to the real thing. There was no school that day, so he was able to explore his new classroom all by himself. Afterward, we romped on the playground for a while. We had some exceptionally beautiful weather that day, so later on we went to another park and brought the dog along for a bit of hiking and exploring. It was great fun and Hercules and I really got to spend a wonderful day together.

Prior to that, I went to a Parent-Teacher conference the night before. This is worth noting primarily because Rio’s teacher, Mrs. K, seemed genuinely sorry and regretful about his departure. She even teared up on a couple of occasions. When I told her that his new teacher has full-time help in her classroom, she gasped and cried, “If I had helpers in my classroom, Rio wouldn’t have to leave!” She really seemed sad about the whole situation, and confessed that she felt as though she had failed Rio somehow. I’ve always had very good interactions with her throughout this experience. The principal is the one who has given me the most grief and aggravation, and that night I got the distinct feeling that Mrs. K was not at all happy with how this situation was handled, even resentful that she wasn’t able to get more assistance in her classroom. This cements my suspicions regarding the principal and her agenda.

God bless Mrs. K. She did the best she could. I wish her only the best.

Another thing that developed late last week was my realization that I was playing into a victim complex and allowing Rio to do the same. The Diva gave me a nice reality check there, and so I made sure to let Rio know that he had to accept responsibility for his behavior and that that was why he wouldn’t be allowed to stay at his old school. Like it or not, he propelled this whole series of events by his classroom outbursts. He’s not going to learn anything by blaming others for the consequences of his own actions.

But today was the Big Day. Today Hercules went to his new school and all morning I was anxious to know how it was going. And wouldn’t you know it, but I got an email from Mrs. L, the school counselor, and she gave me an update around lunchtime: He’s doing great! He was a little bummed out because his new teacher had to leave in the afternoon and so they had a substitute after lunch, but he handled it well nonetheless. Mrs. L let him know that she would be telling me how good he’s been today, and that seemed to please him. I really love that Mrs. L, and I am incredibly thankful for her efforts to make this transition as painless as possible for Rio.

So it was a good report on a fine day, and all is well in the world. At least in our world, that is. And for that I am infinitely grateful.

Looking ahead

2005-03-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

Today I met with the folks at Rio's new school: his new teacher, the principal and the school counselor. They were all fantastic! Prior to today I had been speaking with the counselor to make all the preparations for his transition, and she is wonderful. She is eager to address my concerns, to listen to suggestions, and to make this whole process as painless for Rio as possible. But she won some BIG points with me today when she confided to me that she shares my doubts about the relevance of a psychiatric diagnosis that is based on a very limited interaction with the child, nor does she advocate medicating children as a first solution. I nearly kissed her.

Rio's new teacher also scored lots of points with me, too. For one thing, she doesn't like negative reinforcements, so there are only smileys on her behavior charts, and if the child doesn't earn a smiley face during a certain activity, that space is simply left blank. Brilliant! Beautiful! I love her already. Also, she has a pair of full-time helpers in her class who can provide individual attention as needed. Personally, I think all teachers (and students, no less) could benefit from having that sort of help in the classroom, but obviously there's never going to be enough funding for that in public education.

So I'm feeling better than ever about this whole situation, even if I am just a little apprehensive about how Rio himself feels about it, and how he will respond to this big transition. Yesterday the school counselor (at his current school) gave him the news, and then called to tell me that it went really well and he responded very positively. But when I picked him up, I told him we were going to find his teacher and talk to her about planning a going away party for him. He wanted to know why he was getting a going away party. When I explained it to him he said, "You mean I can't come back to [this] school?!?"

He apparently was under the impression that this whole "new school" adventure was just some sort of temporary arrangement, like a visit, a field trip, an adventure! Weeeee! Not a permanent change in his daily school routine. He cried and cried and wanted to know why he wouldn't be allowed to come back. I felt like hunting down the principal and demanding that she give him some answers. I resent being the one in that position, dammit. But I did my best, and then, thankfully, we found his teacher, who was very helpful. She told him that he could write letters to the whole class and she would share them with everyone, and then we planned his going away party. For the time being he was pacified; tragedy narrowly averted.

Tonight he shed some more tears as I tried to sell him on this whole idea. I told him how impressed I was with his new teacher, and how she doesn't believe in sad faces, and how she wore an Eeyore suit to school today, and won't it just be great? But no, his school is perfect and no other school will do. I decided to leave it alone for now. We'll visit on Friday together and he can see for himself first-hand. I think once he gets there, he'll be just fine.

I hope. There's just no telling with Hercules.

Even though the first couple of weeks may be a little rocky, he'll prevail in the end. I have to keep reminding myself that, because it's true, and I tend to worry too much. But that Hercules, he's something special, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Great things are in store for him, I just know it. All this Kindergarten melodrama will be something we'll laugh about when he's all grown up, a famous actor/rock star/pirate king, remembering the good ol' days when he used to terrorize his teachers.

Change is in the air

2005-02-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

Here's some good news: Friday I met the Kind Gentleman who is conducting Rio's Functional Behavior Assessment for the school district. I liked him right away because he"gets" Rio. Thank goodness! I'm tired of people demonizing my son. This guy would belly laugh while sharing amusing anecdotes about how Rio outsmarted his teacher in creative ways. It was interesting to listen to his observations in the classroom and how he interacts with his teacher, something I haven't had the opportunity to witness very much. It sounds like Rio's teacher, well-intentioned though she may be, has never really succeeded in winning his respect. Her authority just doesn't mean much to him. Rio is a take-charge kinda boy, so if you give him an inch he'll take a mile. And he's gotten some real mileage out of this, to be sure. Hey, I tried to warn her.

So I have renewed confidence in the process and this transition in general. But it's a bittersweet feeling, too, because it makes me angry to realize that the school could (should) have requested this assessment long ago, so they could have given him more hope of success at that school. Which only cements my suspicions that they've just been trying to get rid of him from the very beginning. Rather than doing whatever was within their means to help him succeed, they set about building a damning case against him until they got what they wanted: Rio is somebody's else's problem now.

So this week is when we break the news to Hercules that he won't be attending school with his familiar classmates any longer. When the principal told me the news, she and the counselor explained that they don't want Rio to feel rejected or punished and they want to break it to him as gently as possible so that he understands that this was done for his best interest and that his new school will be a better place for him. While I agree with their sentiment, I don't think I can sit there and listen to their bullshit with a smiling face while they tell him so many lies. Because the truth is that he is being rejected and punished, and they can tell him whatever they please, but he's not stupid.

The problem is, which I explained to the Kind Gentlemen in a teary confessional, that when they first started threatening to kick him out, I used that as leverage against Rio out of pure desperation. I told him that if he likes it at his school, he needs to cooperate with his teachers or they won't let him stay there. Now I desperately wish I had never uttered those words, but as the Kind Gentleman pointed out, what's done is done. There's no going back.

So I think I will let the school counselor break it to him on her own. I had initially agreed to be there, but I'm not so sure that's a good idea anymore. I'm too emotional about all this and I'm bound to cry. I don't really think that would do Rio any good. And I also feel like the onus should be on the school to sugarcoat this situation which they have orchestrated all along. If he cries and falls apart, let them see his anguish. I think they should reap what they have sown. For my part, I will tell him the truth: That school was not right for him, and they never gave him enough help or enough chances to succeed. His new school wants to help him in every way and he will get whatever he needs to do well. It will be a great improvement and I'm very grateful that he'll be leaving his old school.

That's the my truth and I'm sticking to it.

Oh! I almost forgot, Hercules earned a trip to McDonald's on Friday! He had a stellar week, which I think is a great sort of Fuck You to his teacher and principal right before he leaves. As for me, I'll try to talk him into another venue for his next treat. Going through the McDonalds' drive thru makes me feel like a priest in a porn store. It's sacreligious!

I must really love that boy, that's all I can say.