* Crazy Ideas

It's been one of those up-and-down weeks for Hercules. He went from all-5's to all-1's on his PRIDE report and has grown fond of saying "I wish I could kill someone!" These are the days when I have to work hard to convince myself that my son is not a sociopath. He's just, er, volatile.

That was Tuesday. On the way from school to Tae Kwon Do I was trying to impress upon him the seriousness of killing someone and how it was not something you can threaten lightly. This upsets people, and rightly so. We were having a calm conversation when I asked him how he would feel if someone killed me and he would never, ever see me again. He chuckled and said, "Ha! Now you're just being funny!"

He wasn't laughing when I pulled the car over to the side of the road, slammed it into park, unbuckled my seatbelt and twisted around over the seat of the car and grasped his chin firmly in my hand while I forced him to look at me, and told him in no uncertain terms that I was NOT BEING FUNNY THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. I'M TIRED OF ASKING YOU NICELY TO JUST BE NICE GODDAMMIT IS THAT SO HARD?? DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE IN JAIL BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE KILLERS GO AND BY GOD IT'S NOT FUNNY!!

I took a deep breath, got back in my seat and drove him to Tae Kwon Do while he sobbed in the back seat. I dropped him off there and left to run an errand and then I cried all the way there. After TKD we forgave each other already.

Things have been considerably better since then. He got to spend time with The Diva yesterday, based on his performance at school. He's been visiting her every Wednesday on the condition of good behavior, in hopes that this will motivate him. But today and tomorrow he has a substitute teacher and his teacher asked me to prepare him. I told him to pretend that the sub was alone and unloved in the world and all she ever wanted was for one child to be kind to her and wouldn't it be nice if he were that child?

I don't know where I get these ideas!

Seriously, though, I'm running out of ideas. I'm totally at a loss anymore. I'm beginning to come to grips with the fact that Hercules has no concept whatsoever of social norms. No impulse control. No filter between his brain and his mouth. For most kids, this results in many moments of "Awww, kids say the darndest things!" For Hercules, the response is more like "Oh. My. God. Did he really just say that??"

You know it's bad when you start thinking that maybe it would be best if some kid went ahead and beat him up for mouthing off. Now, before they start deploying knives and guns and the kids are much bigger. If he can just learn his lesson now, maybe it will save his life later on. An ass-whooping from a third-grader would be no big deal compared to the high school quarterback, 'cuz you know he ain't gonna take no shit from some wise-ass kid.

Please don't think I want to see my son get beaten up. It's just that I'm beginning to feel as though it is inevitable, and better now than later, and if that's what it takes to teach him to keep his mouth shut for chrissake, then so be it.

This is not what I expected from motherhood. I think I need a buddhist retreat.


Blogger kristal said...

That is really tough. One of my kids has that 'no filter between head and mouth' thing going on and it is hard to deal with sometimes. If you figure out what to do, let me know.

1/13/2006 6:43 PM  
Blogger fiercelyfab said...

Mama--I hear ya on th buddhist retreat, I am reading a book called Buddha Mom and I'll let you know if it actually helps or if it is full of crazy standards for moms with zero accountability for communities assisting mothers.

1/23/2006 12:16 PM  

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